Dazed and Dumbfounded
by Smenzer
Summary: Draco wants to marry Hermoine, but someone has to marry Pansy due to a contract. Lucius decides Harry is perfect for the job. Then an old photo turns up and reveals a missing child. Can Harry solve it before he's forced to marry Parkinson? Humor, Romance,
1. Chapter 1

Title: Dazed and Dumbfounded

Author: Smenzer

Email: PG

Pairing: Hermoine/Draco

Archive: Yes, please archive. If you want to add this story to a website, please let me know.

Teaser: Lucius gets a shocking surprise for Father's Day. Hermoine/Draco

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Warner Bros, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, Heyday/1498 films, JK Rowling and Raincoat books. This is just for fun. No money is being made.

Author's Note: This is my first attempt at a Draco/Hermoine fic and it's meant to be funny. I have no idea if this has been done before but in the few D/H stories I've read Lucius has either been dead, locked up in Azkaban or ignored. I think there's a great opportunity for humor here if written the right way. This may be a one-shot….

Seventeen-year-old Draco Malfoy stormed through Malfoy Manor in search of his father. It was Father's Day and he had the perfect gift to give him. Well, Draco thought it was perfect. What Lucius would think would be an entirely different matter. Two others trailed behind the pale skinned blonde Slytherin, their steps uncertain as they cast nervous glances over their shoulders every few seconds. The house was big and unnerved his guests, as did the expensive furnishings. He had changed this past year at Hogwarts and the identity of his two companions proved that. His Father's study was just before him and he stopped before the door. Gray eyes shifting to his friends, he commanded them to wait outside and then he bravely flung open the door and marched into the snake's lair. "Happy Father's Day, Father."

"Thank you, Draco." Lucius sat behind an immense carved wooden desk, a feather quill in one hand. Like usual, he was dressed in fine black clothing with silver decoration; his long silky white hair tied neatly behind him with a black bow. His gray eyes fastened on his son and a ghost of a smile creased his lips. "I expect we will spend the day together as always."

It was not a request.

"Of course, Father." Draco replied with his stomach in a painful knot. Telling his Father seemed like a good idea while they had planned it in Diagon Alley but now that he was here, well, it seemed a tad unwise. Still, he was determined to do it. "I look forward to spending the day with you."

Lucius rose from behind the desk and walked around it until he stood before his son. He glanced at Draco's empty hands and a slight expression of puzzlement crossed his face. Draco usually bought his father a gift and unless the boy had it hidden in his robe pocket Lucius didn't see it, unless it was something big, too big to carry into the study. The puzzlement was replaced with pleasure and the slight smile returned. "What have you gotten me this year?"

"A surprise." Draco mysteriously drawled as a hive of nasty hornets buzzed in his stomach. People always called it butterflies but this didn't feel like any butterflies he had ever seen, unless the Muggles had some really nasty variety he had never heard of. And he had to admit there was a lot about Muggles he didn't know yet but that would be remedied all too soon. If he survived, that is. Although he was nervous, his outward appearance was perfectly calm and he probably appeared bored.

"And what is this surprise?" Lucius asked.

"Well, you remember how we talked about me marrying Pansy?" Draco asked as he kept a careful watch on his Father's hands. And he couldn't help but notice that the cane that contained his father's wand had been left leaning against the wall in the corner.

"Yes. What about it?" Lucius waited expectantly for an answer, his searing eyes searching his son's face for a clue as to where this was leading.

"Well, I'm not going to marry that annoying pest." Draco firmly told his father. He stared Lucius boldly in the eyes, his feet planted wide apart for better balance in case he needed it. His knees were nice and limber in case he needed to move quickly. The truth was, he had no real idea how his father was going to react to the second bit of news. They had discussed it at a table in the Leaky Cauldron over butterbeers but had reached no conclusion, just several possibilities. "I'm marrying Granger, the know-it-all Mudblood!"

Lucius stared at Draco as if he had suddenly sprouted two heads. He blinked his eyes and his mouth dropped open in utter shock. Then his gray eyes rolled up in his head and he fell to the floor with a loud crash, unconscious.

Draco stared at his Father on the floor for a moment, then turned to the open doorway. "Get in here!"

Harry and Hermoine nervously poked their heads into the study and relaxed slightly when they spotted the body on the floor.

"Is … is he dead?" Hermoine nervously asked as she walked up to stand beside Draco. The corpse, if that was what it was, looked nice and peaceful on the floor. His face was relaxed and he didn't look quite so vicious. It was also one possibility they hadn't thought of…

"I don't know." Draco admitted as he stared down at his father's body. "Potter, go check him!"

Harry stood at Draco's other shoulder and turned to face the blonde Slytherin. "Why should I check him for? He's your father!"

"Because we're friends and I asked you to." Draco explained matter-of-factly. And they were friends. "Besides I'm a nervous wreck! Do you have any idea how hard that was? I thought he'd start flinging death curses about…"

"But he hates me!" Harry protested loudly. "What if he wakes up while I'm checking him? He could kill me!"

"Well," Draco said with his customary drawl. "I don't want him to kill me either. I very much want to live to see my honeymoon!"

Hermoine wrapped her arms around Draco's waist and pressed her body against his side. She smiled sweetly at Harry. "Do it for us? Please?"

Harry sighed loudly and turned his attention to the body on the floor. He knew they'd have to check it sooner or later anyway. And if he was dead they couldn't just leave him lying there. Maybe they could always hide it under a large rug and no one would notice the lump… So he cautiously stepped forward. When Lucius didn't immediately jump up to strangle him, Harry felt slightly relieved. Feeling encouraged, he stepped even closer and then knelt down onto one knee. He gripped the man's wrist and felt a steady pulse beat under his fingers.

"Well?" Draco demanded.

"He's alive. I guess he just fainted." Harry told them.

"I guess he took it quite well then." Draco commented. Truthfully he felt relieved as well. He very much wanted his father to be at his wedding and accept his choice of a bride.

"Yes, but what will he do when he wakes up?" Hermoine asked, worried. "He may still try to kill us all."

"I can't let Father boss me the rest of my life." Draco said as he hugged Hermoine and tried to comfort her. "That's why we decided to tell him, remember? I'm sure he'll adjust…"

Lucius' eyelids fluttered as he slowly rose up to consciousness.

"I think he's waking up!" Harry commented from where he still knelt near the Death Eater. He started to stand up but Lucius gripped Harry's hand tightly and the Boy Who Lived was forced to remain where he was. He glanced nervously at the other two but remained silent.

"Draco?" Lucius muttered as he rubbed at his face with his other hand. His grip on Harry's hand tightened as he thought it was his son's hand he was holding. "Is that you?"

"Yes, Father." Draco replied immediately.

"I had the most awful nightmare…" Lucius said as his fingertips massaged his forehead. "I had dreamed you had said you were marring that Mudblood you're forever more yakking about…"

"I did say that, Father." Draco admitted.

Lucius' gray eyes flew open and his gaze focused on his son. And Granger. They had their arms around each other and were both staring at him. They blinked at him and he blinked back. Then something else dawned on him slowly. "If you're over there then who…?"

The Death Eater shifted his gaze and discovered he was holding hands with no other than the famous Harry Potter!

"Umm … Hi?" Harry said uncertainly and very much wanted to race from the room, preferably with his hand still attached.

"You!" Lucius snarled as his customary anger flooded into his body. "This is your fault!"

"I didn't do anything! Honest!" Harry protested and tried to pull free of the older man's grasp. But Lucius had a firm grasp and wasn't about to let go. "They're the ones getting married, not me!"

"A likely excuse!" Lucius growled as he glared with cold eyes at Potter. But to his dismay the dark-haired boy finally pulled free and leaped to his feet. Murder danced in his eyes as he also jumped to his feet and snatched at his escaping prey. "You Gryffindors planned this, influenced him! I'll get you for this Potter!"

Forgetting he had a wand and Lucius didn't, Harry ran from the room. "AAAHHHH!"

Forgetting his wand was still in the corner, Lucius dashed after Potter.

"Yes, I think he took it rather well…" Draco repeated as he gazed into Hermoine's chocolate eyes. "Don't you?"

"Harry is so brilliant for distracting him like that! He always has the perfect plan up his sleeve." Hermoine agreed as she dreamily stared into his silvery eyes. She could get lost in those eyes…

Forgetting about Harry and Lucius, the two absentmindedly gazed at each other happily. The world around them seemed to vanish and shrink to just the two of them.

The End?

Sorry if Harry was a bit OOC at the end there. Oh and don't forget to check out my other HP fanfics: Symbiosis (where Lucius is Harry's new godfather) and The Emperor of Slytherin (which is a comedy)!


	2. Caught!

Dazed and Dumbfounded 2

Author's Note: OK, I thought up some more stuff for this story so here it is…

Harry raced through the long hallways of Malfoy Manor without having the slightest idea of where he was going. Why had he ever let Draco talk him into this? It was sheer suicide! Sure he wanted his two friends to be happy together but that didn't mean he wanted Draco's maniac of a father to kill him! And why was Lucius chasing _him_? It was Draco that was getting married! It was all just totally unfair but then his life had been that way from the beginning. He skidded around a corner and his feet almost slid out from underneath him. Still he managed to keep his balance somehow and he kept running as fast as he could. He could hear the Death Eater right behind him and unless he found the door quickly he'd end up on the torture rack in the dungeon.

"POTTER! Come back here!" Lucius screamed at the dark-haired boy who was just ahead of him.

/Yeah, like I'm really going to listen to him! Where the heck is the door?./

The place reminded Harry of an anthill or a giant maze and without Draco to guide him he was totally lost. His breath was coming fast and his heart thudded in his chest like crazy. He was in shape from playing Quidditch, sure, but he wasn't too sure how much longer he could keep this up. He really hadn't expected the older man to stay with him for so long…he just prayed that Lucius wouldn't apparate right in front of him! If he did he would be done for.

/I shouldn't have listened to Draco in the first place! He's still a stupid git for wanting to tell his father!./

One of the doors along the hallway suddenly opened and a beautiful women in a dark green dress stepped out. Like Lucius and Draco, she sported the same white hair and it cascaded down her back.

"Narcissa! Watch out!" Lucius warned his wife.

Narcissa turned at the sound of her husband's voice and her eyes widened in shock at seeing a dark-haired boy with glasses almost upon her. Her hand went for her wand but it was too late. Harry tried to avoid her but she had stepped out almost right in front of him and there hadn't been enough time. He slammed into her and the two crashed to the floor in a heap. Then he felt hands wrapping themselves into the back of his robe and he was roughly yanked up to his feet. He was brutally spun around, the Death Eater glaring at him.

"So I have finally caught you, Potter. What a wonderful Father's Day gift Draco has brought me. You have been very foolish to come here and now you'll pay the price for that foolishness." Lucius snarled as he clung to Harry's arm in a vice like death grip. His lip was twisted up in a snarl and if looks could kill poor Harry would have already dropped dead. "I'll have none of this foolishness in my house!"

"Unlike others I support my friends but I don't expect you to understand what that means. You don't even have friends!" Harry glared right back at the blonde man unafraid.

"Lucius! What is going on here?" Narcissa demanded to know as she picked herself up off the floor. Her eyes flickered over the rude boy who had knocked her over, her gaze taking in the ragged too big clothes, the messy hair and the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. She knew instantly who he was, of course. "What is this _boy_ doing in our home?"

"Our _son_ has apparently befriended him and has brought him over, if you can believe such nonsense! Potter has contaminated him and now he thinks he's going to marry that … that … that Mudblood!"

Narcissa gasped, horrified. A pale hand clung to her chest and she swayed slightly on her feet, what little color she possessed draining from her face.

"SHUT UP!" Harry shrieked at Lucius, his green eyes glowing with anger. "Don't you dare call her that!"

"I can call her whatever I like in my own home, boy, and don't you forget that!" Lucius snarled, his hand tightening painfully on Potter's arm. "And now I can do whatever I want with you and there will be no rescue. You'll make a fine gift for my Master…"

Lucius laughed evilly.

Remembering the wand in his pocket, Harry yanked it out to point at Lucius, a spell on the tip of his tongue.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Narcissa cried, her wand already at the ready. The spell hit Harry and his entire body stiffened, his wand falling from his numb hand. Then he toppled over like a fallen tree to crash to the smooth floor. Even with his body frozen as stiff as a board he glared at the two Malfoys, his green eyes darkening with hatred until they were almost black.

/You'll never get away with this!./

But then, he might. No, he _was_ getting away with it!

/I never should have allowed this! This is my entire fault…/

He should have known better, he _had_ known better but then he had wanted to make his blonde Slytherin friend happy. Draco hadn't wanted to elope with Hermoine as they could have done. He had wanted to stand up to his father for once in his life and tell him…

The small group sat at a corner table at the Leaky Cauldron, cold glasses of butterbeer before them. Hogwarts had let out and they were once again free for the summer, a very different summer. The threat of Voldemort still hung over their heads but for now they felt carefree. During the previous school term Draco had somehow befriended Harry and the others. Mainly he had had his silvery gray eyes set upon Hermoine. Truthfully he had noticed her from the very first year and had tried to make friends with Potter so he would have an excuse to be close to her. Of course, boys at that age weren't supposed to like girls; it would be uncool and Draco needed to be cool. Yes, if he was going to rule Slytherin as his father had before him he couldn't go after girls yet. But he had noticed her and even at the age of eleven she looked way better than Pansy. The girl was a real dog and always clinging to him like some awful python. Uggh, how it disgusted him! But if it were Hermoine clinging to him…now that would be an entirely different story! But Potter had turned down his generous offer of friendship and that had hurt. It had stung painfully as part of him really had wanted to be friends with the famous Harry Potter. Who wouldn't? But it wasn't meant to be…

_Draco had thought he would forget about Hermoine but soon discovered he couldn't. The bushy haired girl kept drawing attention to herself. She beat him in every class grade wise and always seemed to know everything. He secretly admired how smart and clever she was, even if she was in Gryffindor. And that presented him a new problem. Slytherins weren't supposed to associate with Gryffindors. Yet he longed to be near her, to talk to her._

_So he had started his insulting campaign. It gave him the perfect excuse to talk to the girl in front of the entire school and it secretly thrilled him to see those chocolate eyes fastened on him, Draco Malfoy. He still secretly longed for them to be together but just didn't see how it was possible. She hated his guts! Besides, he was betrothed to Pansy and there was no way he could get out of it. The marriage had been arranged while he had been just a baby and he had absolutely no say in it at all. If only Pansy were more beautiful or had a better personality! But she didn't. She had the mentality of a cardboard box and the grip of Devil's Snare. Sure, she was from a Pureblood family and he admitted she knew how to dress but he didn't really care about that. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He did care about clothes. But he was wise enough to realize you couldn't fix a rotten board by covering it with a fresh coat of paint nor did he want to marry Pansy's closet. Hermoine may dress more simply and in Muggle clothes no less but if she were to ever wear the right Pureblood clothing she'd outshine all the other girls at school._

_He had especially been pleased to see her that day at the bookstore just before Second Year. Potter had gotten dragged to the front to get his picture taken for the Daily Prophet with that idiot man … what had been his name? Not that he had really paid the author any attention, no. He had been upstairs near the railing staring down at Granger. Her hair had looked especially nice that day. Instead of the normal bushy tangle it had shone with gentle waves and later he just couldn't resist going to stand next to her and hadn't even cared if his father had been right there. The stupid man! He had talked about Granger practically all summer nonstop and as long as he had called her Mudblood his father hadn't realized the truth: that he had a crush on her. And so it had continued year after year with him taking every opportunity to get near her in class without it seeming that he wanted to. He was after all a Slytherin and crafty. The Golden Trio had no clue what he was really doing nor did the rest of the school. Even Crabbe and Goyle were witless._

_But as the years passed by Draco soon realized he'd have to actually change his tactics and quick, too. If he didn't then he'd end up married to Pansy and trapped in a life of misery. If he wanted Granger he'd have to go after her before either Potter or Weasley claimed her. It was just a sheer miracle neither was dating her yet, but then he presumed they didn't realize she was a girl. Sometimes those two could be so clueless! So he had made his move and over time they had accepted him. And to his joy, Hermoine had a secret crush on him as well! Not that he blamed her. He was the most handsome boy in school!_

_And so they sat at the table in the corner with butterbeer discussing the problem at hand, that problem being his parents. They were both adamant that he marry another Pureblood, mainly Pansy. His feelings for the Parkinson girl did not concern them, especially his father. Of course, he had married the most beautiful girl in the school so he had had nothing to complain about! Pansy though was a different matter…_

_"I still want to tell Father." Draco said as he glanced around the table at the other three teens. Hermoine, Harry and Ron were there. "I want to have a proper wedding and besides, he'd find out sooner or later anyway. I'd rather he be there when I get married."_

_'He won't never accept it." Harry pointed out. "He hates Muggles and Muggle-borns."_

_"Well, there must be some way to change his mind!" Draco insisted as he clutched his glass of butterbeer. Wet beads of condensation had formed on the glass and his hand grew wet. Lifting the glass to his mouth, he took a long swallow. Slamming the glass back onto the table, he stared into Harry's green eyes. "Surely you can think of something! Look at all the things you've done! Why, you killed a bloody basilisk when you were only twelve!"_

_"But this is different." Harry sighed. "People change because they want to. You can't force a person to change. Look at my Muggle relatives! They haven't changed one bit all these years I've attended Hogwarts except for getting worst. If I could change them don't you think I would?"_

_"Harry's right." Ron nodded sadly. "Why would you even want him there? He's a bloody monster!"_

_Draco frowned at the redhead but held his tongue. "They're still my parents. And contrary to popular belief they're not really all that bad…"_

_"They're just bloody Death-Eaters!" Ron exclaimed loudly. "You can't get any worst than that!"_

_"My Mother is NOT a Death Eater!" Draco protested, his silvery eyes flashing in irritation. "Just my Father is. And I hate how he scrapes and bows to that hideous thing he calls Master. Ever since I was a baby he told me that Malfoys don't bow to anyone yet he does to that freak of nature. Maybe he regrets joining up with the Death Eaters, who knows? It's not like you can just walk away and quit the group. A few did try and they were murdered. And Father never really treated me bad. He's strict, sure and expects me to get good grades but he was always decent. I never suffered any of the stuff Harry did…"_

_"But he still likes to kill people." Harry pointed out. "Just because he never abused you doesn't mean he'll let you marry Hermoine. That's wishful thinking."_

_"Well, I'm not going to let him ruin my life!" Draco glanced around the table staring each of them in the eye. He shifted his chair closer to Hermoine's and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm tired of being a coward. And I'm not a child anymore. I know that Muggle-borns are just as good as Purebloods! Maybe I believed that rubbish when I was younger because I didn't know any better, but now I do. If I let him tell me who I'm supposed to marry I'll be stuck taking his orders for the rest of my life and I don't think I could stand that. So I want to tell him."_

_"But you don't know how he'll react." Harry pointed out, a worried expression on his face. "He may get so angry that he'll kill you."_

_"Yeah! The bloody bugger could do anything!" Ron exclaimed, a scowl on his face as he thought of Lucius. "He's a bloody wacko!"_

_"Draco, we don't need a big fancy wedding." Hermoine pointed out. "And it's admirable you want to stand up to him but it can be very dangerous! Can't we just elope or have a small wedding with the Weasleys without telling them?"_

_"I don't like sneaking around…" Draco admitted. "I know that sounds odd coming from a Slytherin but I think they'd be more furious if they found out afterward. So I want to tell them."_

_"If it's that important to you, we'll go face him then but we'll do it together." Harry decided. "You just need to be careful. And remember about his wand."_

_"Well, Father doesn't normally carry it around the whole house, you know! I mean, why should he? The house is well protected so intruders can't get in. And it's not like he's going to be holding it when I go talk to him. Why should he? I'm his son. He trusts me."_

_"Oh, I hope we're doing the right thing!" Hermoine bit her bottom lip, worried. "This could all go seriously wrong!"_

_Ron blinked at the other three teens. "What? You mean we're actually going to go IN the house and tell him? That's crazy!"_

_"You don't have to come if you're scared…" Draco told him. "It'll probably be smart to leave someone behind who knows where we went, just in case."_

_Ron stared at them like they were totally nuts. "You're all going to get yourselves killed!"_

_"I'm sure Dumbledore wouldn't like this, he wouldn't like this at all…" Hermoine said as she stared down at her drink. "We're supposed to be staying safe, not going into a Death Eater's house…"_

_"Hey! It's my house too!" Draco protested. Then he squeezed her shoulder and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Come on, I think I know my old man…"_

_"And I know him, too." Harry replied glumly as he thought back to Second Year. "I think he was gong to do that death curse on me…"_

_"Or some horrid curse anyway!" Ron drained his glass of butterbeer and pulled out a chocolate frog from his pocket. He opened it and quickly snatched it up before it could hop away. "They always do horrid curses…"_

_"Well, we might as well get this over with." Harry stood and waited for the others to join him. And like they had planned, Ron had stayed behind as a safety measure in case things went wrong. _

/Great! This is just great/

Harry silently moaned as Lucius levitated him down another long corridor and down a dark flight of stairs. He could feel the air growing cooler and he suspected that they were now underground, no doubt heading for a secret dungeon. Leave it to the Malfoys to have their own private dungeon under their house. Normal people had a wine cellar or old junky furniture, but the Malfoys? No, they had to have a dungeon! Harry idly wondered what sort of nasty things Lucius kept down there for torturing people. But then, maybe he'd never find out…

/He'll probably just hand me to Voldemort on a golden platter…/

A bright light snapped on with a magical word and Lucius roughly deposited him inside an iron cage. The door was slammed shut and locked, the Death Eater sneering at him with a triumphant glare in his cold eyes. "Not so mighty now, are you, Potter? And as much as I'd like to stay and chat, I must go upstairs to see what that idiotic son of mine is doing with that Mudblood. A Mudblood in my house! It's outrageous!"

Harry struggled to move, the anger boiling in his veins. The spell that Narcissa had used on him was still firmly in place and all he managed was to shift his eyes towards the man. He glared at him as hard as he could, pouring all of his hatred for Death Eaters into it. To his dismay, a horrible smile crept over Lucius' lips.

"But be assured I'll be back later so we can play."

Cold dread settled over the Boy Who Lived, or maybe it was just the dampness soaking into his robes from the icy floor. But he knew one thing and that was he definitely did not want to play with Lucius Malfoy! The man's ideas of fun games no doubt included the Imperio and the Crucio. No, he had no desire to feel those again. And what about Hermoine?

/Draco, you better be getting her out of here or I'll kill you myself!./

He really didn't care what happened as long as his friends remained safe. They were more important to him than life itself. And no matter how hard he tried to save them they kept dying! Alone with his thoughts, Harry waited for the binding spell to wear off.

To be continued…


	3. the contract

Dazed and Dumbfounded 3

AN: Sorry the last chapter wasn't exactly funny but one needs some plot development and background stuff…And please remember this is a _comedy_. I do tend to do crazy things in lots of my fics.

Satisfied that one troublemaker was securely locked up in the dungeon, Lucius stormed back to his private study. To his horror, Draco was still there with that … that … Mudblood! They were looking dreamy eyed at each other and apparently didn't even know he was there glaring at them. It was down right disgusting! Going past them he retrieved a parchment from his desk. "Draco! Stop staring at that Mudblood!"

Draco turned to look at his father. "Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why?" Lucius screamed angrily. "You're a Pureblood! You have to marry another Pureblood! Have you forgotten everything I taught you?"

"How about we just _say_ she's a Pureblood?" Draco suggested hopefully. "Then everybody will be happy, right? Go make up some fake papers at the Ministry. I mean, you've been counterfeiting everything else…"

"DRACO!" Lucius' eyes darkened angrily and he glared even harder at his son. "You know you're not supposed to talk about that in front of _outsiders_!"

Draco glanced around his father's study. "I don't see any outsiders. It's just you, me and Hermoine…"

"AAHHHHHHH!" He screamed in rage. "I meant HER!"

"Hermoine's not an outsider. We're engaged, remember?" Draco reminded his father.

"Yes, I won't tell anyone you've been counterfeiting stuff at the Ministry…" Hermoine agreed as she stood next to Draco. "I'm sure it's no big deal. I mean Harry blew up his aunt and didn't get in trouble at all…"

"I'll blow you up!" Lucius threatened, his chest rising and falling quickly. His normally pale face was flushed red from anger and his normally neat hair looked quite wild.

"That's not a very nice to say." Hermoine commented.

Deciding to ignore the Muggle-born for a moment, Lucius shook the piece of parchment in his hand. "Draco! You can't marry her! There's this contract, remember?"

Draco rolled his silver-gray eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't care what some dumb old contract says! I'm not marrying Pansy!"

"The contract says you have to!" Lucius insisted.

"But I can't stand Pansy! She drives me insane!" Draco pointed out as he began to grow upset. "You don't know Pansy like I do! She clings like Devil's Snare! No, she's worst than Devil's snare! And she looks worst than a mountain troll!"

"You don't need to love her to marry her!" Lucius desperately said as he waved the contract in front of his son's face. He still had hopes that this situation could be solved peacefully without cursing anyone. Of course, cursing was _good_ but since Draco was his son… "I married due to a contract!"

"Sure! Mother was the most beautiful girl in the school!" Draco sourly pointed out. "And I'm stuck with a dog!"

Hermoine watched the argument between the two, fascinated, her head swiveling up and back as each one spoke. It was actually quite entertaining, like a Muggle soap opera.

"Besides, I love Hermoine!"

"You're in _love_?" Lucius moaned. "That's terrible! Malfoys are not supposed to love anyone but themselves!"

"Yeah, but when we're married she _will_ be a Malfoy and then I won't be breaking that rule!"

"And what about this?" Lucius shook the marriage contract yet again in front of his son's face. "How am I supposed to explain this mess to Pansy's parents? They expect you to marry her!"

"That paper doesn't exactly say that _I _have to marry her. It says a male Malfoy has to marry her!"

"And that's you!" Lucius insisted.

Draco scowled. "Well, if you like Pansy so much than _you_ marry her!"

"I can't!" Lucius screamed angrily. "I'm already married!"

"Can't we find another Malfoy?" Draco asked hopefully.

"There aren't any others and you darn well know that! There's just you and me!"

"Oh." Draco was quite for a moment, his brain clicking as he thought of a way to still marry his sweet Mudblood. "What about Potter? Why don't you make _him_ marry Pansy? Old Scarhead can't get a date no matter what he does. He's hopeless really."

Lucius stared at his son as if Draco were totally insane. "Need I remind you the contract specifies a _Malfoy_?"

"So? Make him look like one!" Draco blinked. "You counterfeit everything else. Why not counterfeit another Malfoy, too? Besides, Scarhead _hates_ Pansy…"

Lucius looked at his son, a slightly interested expression on his face. "Really?"

"Sure! I go to school with the jerk, don't I?" Draco drawled confidently. "Trust me, I know him. Torture wouldn't bother him and if you kill him, well, you'd be doing him a _favor_. Yes, he'd be quite happy to die I think. But if you force him to actually _become_ his enemy, well, I think you'd have something there. And he'd _loath_ marrying a Slytherin!"

"Well…" Lucius scanned the contract quickly and saw it did say a male Malfoy and didn't specifically name Draco. "I don't know…"

"Think of it as a challenge." Draco suggested with a grin.

"And I still don't like the idea of you marrying a Mudblood!" Lucius complained, as he looked Hermoine up and down, frowning. What had gotten into his son? "Did those Gryffindors curse you?"

"No, of course not!" Draco rolled his eyes again. The idea of Gryffindors cursing anyone was laughable. Hexing, sure. But curses, nah! "I just like her is all."

"Why do you like her?" Lucius finally asked, aspirated. Couldn't Draco see that marrying a Muggle-born was all wrong?

"Well, she rips pages out of books like I do…"

"What do you mean you rip pages out of books?" Lucius screamed, his face growing red again. "I've been trying to catch the person doing that for _years_ and now you admit you're doing it!"

Draco pulled a thick wad of folded pages from his robe pocket and offered them to his father. "You can have these back I suppose…"

"Give me that!" Lucius tore the pages out of his son's hands angrily. "That's just what I need! _Two_ page rippers! It's a miracle I have a library left!"

"There are other reasons I like her…" Draco continued, unfazed by his father's yelling. "She has these pretty eyes…"

Lucius moaned and slapped his forehead with his free hand. This was utterly terrible! "I don't care about eyes! Who does? Pansy has eyes, too!"

But Draco continued. "She's a lot smarter than I am. And I can always use someone with lots of brains. I bet she can think up some great schemes you know. Why do you think old Scarhead beats You Know Who all the time? It's certainly _not_ because of his powers. Nope! It's because Hermoine figures it all out for him!"

"At least now you're starting to sound like a Malfoy…" Lucius grimily admitted.

"Besides, she loves my good looks. What more can I say?" Draco smiled brilliantly.

"Are you sure there isn't any other reason?" Lucius asked suspiciously as he gazed intently at his son. He secretly suspected the boy was a coward. "She didn't _threaten_ you now did she?"

"Of course not!" Draco laughed.

"Hmmm…." Lucius paused as he considered the matter. "I will need to think about this. It goes against family tradition to marry a Mudblood…"

Placing the contract back onto his desk, Lucius left his study and retraced his steps back to the dungeon. Draco's idea had intrigued him and he decided to try it out to see how his prisoner would react. Within moments he stood before Potter's cell and he glared in at him. "Potter!"

Harry jumped to his feet as the binding spell had worm off some time ago. He glared at the man angrily. "Now what do you want?"

"I have good news!" Lucius sneered as he teased the boy.

"That you have a fatal disease?" Harry remarked dryly. "That is good news…"

"NO! Don't get smart with me, boy!" Lucius stepped closer to the cell and carefully watched Potter's face. He wanted to see the boy's reaction when he was informed. "Draco has told me all about your problem and has kindly offered to help."

"What problem?" Harry asked as a puzzled look formed on his face. "The only problem I have right now is you."

"Your dateless problem, boy!" Lucius laughed. "But don't worry. I'll set you up with Pansy…"

"PANSY!" A look of utter horror appeared on Harry's face. "I don't want to go out with her!"

"Well, you are!" Lucius commanded as his blue-gray eyes scanned Harry from his head to his feet, scowling. "I suppose we _might_ be able to do something with you…"

Harry escaped to the far back wall of the cell. "I'm _not_ going to date that … that … python!"

Lucius shook his fist at Potter. "You're going to _marry_ her!"

"AAAHHHHHHH!" Harry shrieked in terror.

"Stop that awful racket! How am I supposed to figure this mess out with you shrieking? I need to make you look like a Malfoy!"

"I refuse to marry Pansy! I'd rather marry Voldemort!"

"That can be arranged!"

Harry sunk down to the floor of his cell and moaned. The situation was far worst then he had imagined! How could this have happened to him? He picked his head up when he heard Lucius unlocking the cell.

To be continued…

AN: Well, I hope that was funny! So will Lucius be able to make Harry look like a Malfoy? Will he let Draco marry Hermoine?


	4. Dark Water

Dazed and Dumbfounded 4

AN: OK, here is more of this crazy story….

Lucius dragged Harry up out of the dungeon and pulled him roughly into a sunny hallway. Bright cheery sunlight streamed in through a high window and made a great yellow square on the shiny wooden floor. Harry squinted and tried to shade his eyes. After the darkness of the dungeon the hallway was blinding. His eyes adjusting somewhat to the bright glare, he was alarmed to see the older man studying him, frowning. "What?"

For the first time Lucius was looking at Potter, really _looking_ at him. The boy's messy black hair stuck up at every angle possible and worst, there was some sort of _dirt_ in it. His clothes were ragged and several sizes too large, but clothes could easily be replaced. Still, there was a large smear of something across his check and his glasses were smudged with fingerprints. Stepping forward, the Death Eater gripped his arm and peered more closely at the skin. He was sure there was more dirt rubbed into his pores, his skin too dark to pass off as a Malfoy. Everyone knew the Malfoys had creamy white skin akin to ivory. "You're dirty, boy."

"I'm not dirty!" Harry protested and tried to pull his arm free.

"Yes you are! If I'm going to pass you off as a Malfoy you're going to learn how to stay _clean_. How you manage to get so dirty is a mystery but from now on you're going to stay clean! And no more throwing floo powder in your hair!"

Harry glared at Lucius. "I do _not_ throw floo powder in my hair! And I don't _want_ to look like a Malfoy! And that's not dirt on my arm, it's _suntan_, something I'm sure you never heard of!"

"Don't get smart with me, boy." Lucius dragged Harry further down the long hallway and stopped before a door. Turning, he smiled evilly at him. "The first order of business is to give you a bath."

"I'm not taking a bath!"

But Lucius ignored Harry's protests and dragged him into the large bathroom. Turning the faucets on, the large tub started to fill with water. Satisfied the bath was filling, he turned to regard his prisoner. The boy was glaring hatefully at him, which was to be expected. After all, hadn't Draco said that Harry would _loath_ to marry a Slytherin like Pansy? "Now get in there."

"No." Harry refused. "I'm not taking a bath with you here. What do you think I am, crazy? And I'm not marrying Pansy!"

"Why don't you want to marry Pansy?" Lucius asked as he switched tactics. He would take Potter's mind off the bath and then throw him in when he didn't expect it. Then the boy would be forced to wash. Of course, he could always curse him…

"Because I don't know her!" Harry replied matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean you don't know her? You go to school with her!"

"Yeah, but its not like I _talk_ to her. I couldn't really even tell you what color her hair or eyes are. I mean, she's a Slytherin and I really don't friend with Slytherins…"

"Then explain what you're doing in my house!" Lucius demanded, infuriated with the boy's babble. It made no sense whatsoever! How could you go to school with someone for years and not know them?

"Well, it was Draco's idea…" Harry admitted. "OK, so maybe I friend with _one_ Slytherin…"

Lucius smiled. "Then since you're such good _friends_ with my son it's perfectly fine for you to take a bath."

Harry sighed. It was clear that the Death Eater was set on him taking a bath so he could marry Pansy. How in Merlin had he gotten into this mess? It was insane! Kicking off his sneakers, Harry mumbled under his breath. "I'm going to kill that blonde git!"

"What was that?" Lucius asked, his eyes hooded and suspicious. He had thought the boy had muttered about killing someone…

"Nothing." Harry replied as he took off his torn T-shirt. He kept a watchful eye on the older wizard where he leaned casually against the bathroom wall, a good distance between them. So far he hadn't made any moves, hexes or curses. Nor had he tried to jump him and strangle him. It was really odd. Maybe he was serious about the bath…? Soon Harry wore only his dark blue boxer shorts and he refused to take those off. Glaring angrily, the Boy Who Lived stepped into the bath and stood in the hot water with arms crossed over his chest. "Happy?"

Almost instantly the water started to turn black.

Frowning at the rapidly darkening water, Lucius moved closer to the bath. He gazed down at the water, which was quickly starting to look like India ink. Surely the boy wasn't that dirty, was he? "Potter, exactly when was the last time you bathed?"

"Ummm…" Harry's face turned red. "Before school let out?"

"That was almost two weeks ago!" Lucius cried, horrified.

"Well the Muggles I live with don't allow me to use soap as it costs money and they don't like to waste money on me so I'm not allowed any…" Harry admitted.

Lucius looked quite shocked. He had known Muggles were bad but surely not that bad!

Harry quite enjoyed the shocked look on the Death Eater's face and decided to create more Muggle horrors on the spot. Besides, it wasn't all that far from the truth anyway… "And it usually rains a few times during the summer…"

The Death Eater went paler than normal and he swayed a bit unsteadily on his feet. The horror! He wouldn't wish such a thing on his worst enemy! It was worst than the Crucio Curse!

Biting his bottom lip, Harry tried very hard not to burst out laughing. Lucius had actually _believed_ the story about washing in the rain! What a git! Struggling to keep his face perfectly straight, Harry stood in the hot but dirty water.

"Get out of that water, Potter! You won't get clean in it." Lucius ordered as he waved his hand towards the bathroom door. "We'll have to put clean water in…"

Harry stepped carefully out of the bath so he wouldn't slip on the floor and went to wait near the bathroom door. If he could have escaped he would have but the Manor was a big confusing maze and he'd only get lost. Still, he didn't want to marry Pansy either…

Waving his hand at the tub, the water started to go down the drain and Lucius gloated. Potter was listening to him at last and things were going his way. With luck, the boy could be changed into a Malfoy and he'd marry Pansy. Merlin knew the boy needed a father figure at this stage of his life, a nice arranged contract marriage. Potter should be thrilled! But the satisfied smirk on the Pureblood's face vanished as the draining water came to a sudden stop. The water had never done that before and Lucius watched it for a moment, confused. But it just sat there, unmoving. Turning, he glared at the boy. "Potter! What did you do to my bath?"

"I didn't do anything but stand in it!" Harry protested.

"Well, the water isn't going down." Lucius complained.

"The drain pipe must have developed a clog." Harry surmised. "Maybe you need to call a plumber…"

"Drat Muggle plumbing! I'm the one that's supposed to go hex Muggle plumbing to keep poor Arthur busy! Those poor befuddled Muggles and their hexed toilets. He so likes helping them. It's disgusting! You better stop hexing my plumbing, Potter!"

"I'm not hexing your dumb pluming!" Potter protested, insulted. "I'm not a total idiot! Only an idiot would hex plumbing!"

Lucius stalked away from the bath and flung open the door. Storming out into the hallway, he called for his house elf. "Zunno!"

The house elf immediately appeared. "Yes, Master?"

"Go fix the bath, Zunno! There's something wrong with the drain and the water won't go down…"

"Right away, Master!" Zunno hurried into the bathroom and tried to fix the clogged pipe with a spell. A few minutes later Zunno returned to the hallway, bowing low in front of Lucius. "Master, Zunno has removed all the dirty water from the bath. Also has removed the thick layer of mud and grit that was on the bottom of the tub and in the pipe…"

Lucius groaned. _Mud and grit!_ He would have to try and marry the boy off quickly before he did more damage!

"Zunno has also filled the bath with clean water…"

"Good. Go and give the boy a bath. And make sure he uses _soap_!"

Zunno bowed and hurried off into the bathroom.

"No wonder Voldemort wants him dead…" Lucius leaned against the hallway wall and waited. He wasn't letting Potter off the hook that easily, even if he did hex the plumbing. "Hmm… I wonder how you do that hex? Maybe I should test it by Goyle's house one of these days…"

To be continued…

Sorry so short. I'll try to make the next chapter longer.


	5. Albeo Capillus!

Dazed and Dumbfounded 5

AN: Thanks for the reviews! I can't wait for HBP to come out! Just a bit longer to wait…. Here is more craziness for you. Hope you like it. By the way, Zunno the house elf is mine and I also created the _Albeo Capillus_ spell.

Harry emerged from the bathroom wearing clean clothes the house elf had given him. It really didn't surprise him that the clothes were black. One would almost swear the Malfoys didn't wear anything _but_ black. Or was it that black went well with their snowy white hair? The black shirt was well made and had black onyx buttons down the front and at the cuffs. The Boy Who Lived wasn't sure what the shirt itself was made of but he suspected it wasn't the normal cotton or flannel the Dursleys gave him. No, this was far finer and more luxurious. Harry struggled one-handed with the button on his left cuff, his green eyes downcast as he tried to force it through the tiny hole. Inching forward bit by bit it took him a few moments to realize a wand was pointing right at his face.

"_Albeo Capillus!_" Lucius said as a beam of light leaped from his wand tip and struck Harry. A soft glow surrounded his head for a moment and then faded.

"Hey!" Harry protested, his hands rising too late to ward off the attack, not that he could have stopped a spell with his hands. But to his relief he just felt a slight tingling in his scalp and that quickly faded. The green eyes glared at the older man who now had a pleased expression on his face. "I didn't say you could go shooting spells at me!"

"Well, it's an improvement." Lucius admitted as he slowly walked a circle around Potter and studying him from different angles. "I suppose with the right training you _could_ pass for a Malfoy…"

"I don't want to be a Malfoy!" Harry protested, his voice angry. First he had forced him to bathe and now the Death Eater was circling him like he was some animal being sold and checked for flaws! "Stop circling me like some blood-thirsty hawk! I'm not a horse at an auction! And what did you do to me?"

Lucius walked a bit down the hall until he reached an ornate mirror. "Come see for yourself…"

A heavy feeling of dread settled in Harry's stomach and he feared to discover what the unfamiliar spell had done. But he wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing. Bravery demanded that he walk forward and look into the mirror, so he stalked forward until he stood before it. The mirror itself was a work of art but then everything within Malfoy Manor was that way. It was circular in shape and was framed by two dragons, one dragon on each side of the mirror. Their wide spread wings met at the top of the circle while their tales intertwined at the bottom. Each sported a red glistening jewel for its eye but he couldn't tell if they were garnets, rubies or some other type of gem. He suspected that Draco would know though…

And speaking of Draco, since when did the pale-haired Slytherin have intense emerald eyes? Then Harry spotted the slightly red scar on the forehead. His mouth dropped open as he realized that he was gazing at himself. Shutting his mouth firmly, he spun around and pointed an accusing finger at Lucius. "You changed my hair color!"

"Of course I did. Surely this is preferable to the dungeon or being killed, isn't it?" Lucius asked innocently as he blinked his gray eyes. "Must your hair always stick up at odd angles? Doesn't it ever lie smoothly? Although I must admit it's better than _her_ hair…"

Ignoring the Death Eater's comments and questions, Harry stalked angrily down the hallway. He could hear the older man trailing along behind him but he didn't care. He was going to go find Draco, as this whole mess was his fault! "Drat Pureblood!"

Voices could be heard from up ahead and to Harry's relief they were familiar. He stormed through the doorway and found himself in a large decorated room. The furniture was done up in brilliant red with gold trim, the legs the odd curvy kind that belonged on antiques. The furniture was arranged around the outer edges of the room and included two sofas and six chairs. A large area rug done up in red and gold rested in the center of the room, a fancy legged coffee table resting upon it. The ceiling had an elaborate ceiling medallion directly in the center and a gold chandelier provided light thanks to the many candles that glowed on it. The room's four long windows were framed with brilliant red curtains tied with golden sashes. A merry fire crackled in the fireplace, an oblong mirror hanging above what must have been the most distinguished mantelpiece he'd ever seen. He just gawked at the room for a moment and a thought leaped into his head of its own free will.

_Why the heck is the room done in Gryffindor colors?_

Shaking his head, Harry stormed up to the young couple that occupied one of the red sofas. Stopping in front of them, he stared down at Draco and Hermoine. "Notice something different?"

"Harry! You changed your hair!" Hermoine exclaimed as her brown eyes went wide.

Draco leaned back against the soft but firm backing, one long arm resting atop the sofa. One leg was crossed neatly over the other and he appeared perfectly calm. His gray eyes flickered from the top of Harry's head to his shoes and back up again. When he spoke it was with confidence and suave. "Well, I see Father is taking my advice. That's a good sign he won't kill you."

"You advised him to do this to me?" Harry waved an agitated hand at his new hair. "_This_ wasn't part of our plan! I thought we were just going to _tell_ him you wanted to marry Hermoine? How the heck did I end up like this? He was spouting some nonsense about Pansy!"

"Well, there _is_ the contract with Pansy's family to consider." Draco replied calmly. "Now don't get upset, Harry. This will work out to your advantage, really."

"My advantage?" Harry cried, frustrated and angry. "Your father forced me to take a bath!"

"And is that a bad thing?" Draco raised a dark eyebrow. "Really, Potter. You act like bathing is some horrible thing, right up there along the likes of basilisks and giant spiders. And I strongly suggest you _don't_ do any of the usual rolling around in the dirt or crawling in chimneys or _wherever_ you get all that dirt from…"

"Well, I wouldn't _have_ to do all that if it wasn't for some freak with red eyes trying to kill me!"

"…Because Father will just force you to wash again. He expects you to stay neat and clean. One needs to make a good impression. We _are_ above everyone else you know…"

Harry managed to restrain himself from slapping Draco or some other just as stupid act of violence. He slowly counted to ten in his head and reminded himself that the blonde Slytherin was his friend now. Beating him up had never solved anything in the past and it certainly wouldn't solve anything now. Besides, Hermoine liked him and the last thing he wanted to do was get on Hermoine's bad side. She just simply knew way too many spells! Maybe he should be less judgmental and hear the blonde out. He needed to be cool-headed and logical, but unfortunately that had never been one of his strong points. He tended to get emotional and fly off the handle, blowing up aunts and stuff. Harry let out a big breath and forced himself to relax somewhat. "So this has something to do with a contract?"

"The contract specifies a male Malfoy must marry Pansy. Since I wish to marry Hermoine then someone else has to marry Pansy. Therefore we have decided to create a _new_ Malfoy, which is you of course. It's quite clever, don't you think?" Draco drawled from his spot on the sofa.

"Oh Harry," Hermoine said as she jumped up from the sofa and hugged her best friend. "The hair looks rather nice. It really does. And your eyes stand out so much more this way. Could you just try it for a short time? I'm sure you'll discover its not all that bad."

"And my scar? I'm sure people will notice that as well." Harry pointed out. He had spotted it right away in that dragon mirror and he was sure that everyone else would see it, too.

"Muggle make-up should cover it up…" Hermoine replied as she pulled Harry down onto the sofa on her other side so she sat between the two boys.

"And if I go through with this masquerade your father will let you marry Hermoine?" Harry asked as he leaned forward so he could see both of them.

"Father really didn't say. I presume he's still thinking about it." Draco swung his foot onto the floor and stood up. He walked out into the middle of the room and spread his arms out wide. "_Look_ at this place! Look at this place and tell me you wouldn't want to live here, Potter. It's a _mansion_! And just think, no more going back to those horrid Muggles, ever. Surely that would be worth a little cosmetic change, wouldn't it?"

Harry's eyes flickered around the room again. He supposed most of the stuff was antiques and priceless, but material things really didn't interest him all that much. It was just _stuff_. Even the gold Galleons in his bank vault was just stuff in a way, too. The few things he highly valued were his father's invisibility cloak, the Marauder's Map and the photos in his album, especially the one of his parents. He also valued his broomstick but when it came right down to it a broomstick could be replaced. Although his broomstick was the fastest in the world, a Firebolt, it was still just a broomstick with no special sentimental value. "I'm not really all that impressed with material items, although I am curious why the room has Gryffindor colors…"

"What? You're not impressed?" Draco's jaw dropped and his gray eyes widened. "The Lady's Parlor is one of the most beautiful rooms in the house! My Mother entertains her guest here but she allows me to use it sometimes…"

"Harry isn't fazed by wealth I'm afraid. He gave the prize from the Triwizard Tournament away, remember?" Hermoine said soothingly as she went to join Draco in the center of the room.

"He did what?" Draco exclaimed, shocked. "Why did you do a dumb thing like that for?"

"Because it was dirty money, blood money. I didn't want it." Harry honestly replied as he nervously ran a hand through his white hair. After his hand passed through it the various strands stuck up at crazy angles and it looked considerably worse than before. "Besides, I didn't need the money. I have my own."

"All right, so you don't want any of our money. That's OK. There's more for me that way." Draco smiled and walked back to the sofa. Sitting down, he threw a brotherly arm around the other boy. "Come on, Harry. We could be brothers! You'd like that, wouldn't you? You could have a nice bedroom all to yourself, no annoying cousin, and three square meals a day _plus_ Father will arrange a nice, respectable marriage for you!"

Harry shook his head. "I really don't think this is going to work…"

"Of course it will! We're Slytherins! All of our plans work!" Draco said with confidence.

"Then why can't Voldemort ever kill me?"

"SShhhhhh! Don't say his name, Potter!" Draco cried, aghast. "Look at all the trouble Father went to disguise you and you want to blow it by saying his name?"

"This is the stupidest thing ever! It has more holes than a hunk of Swiss cheese!" Harry declared loudly.

"But _we'll_ make the plan work! We're Gryffindors!" Hermoine said happily as she plopped down next to Draco. "You want me to be happy, don't you?"

Harry groaned and hid his face in his hands. There was no way out of the madness unless he could shove it onto someone else. But he couldn't _do_ that, either, as it wouldn't be right and he always tried to do what was right. Before he could think up another feeble excuse a dark figure appeared in the doorway.

"Harry, come here. I have something for you." Lucius said from where he stood in the doorway with a fake smile on his face.

Eyeing him suspiciously, Harry nervously got to his feet. He suspected that the Death Eater was _trying_ to appear friendly and harmless but was coming off badly. Smile or no smile, he still didn't trust Lucius Malfoy. Walking across the Persian carpet, Harry stopped several feet away. "What do you want now?"

"I want to see how you walk, boy." Lucius replied as he held out a dark green vase. "Put this on your head and walk across the room."

"What! I'm not crazy! I'm not going to put a _vase_ on my head!" Harry cried as he took several steps away from the Death Eater. His green eyes shot around the highly decorated room paying special attention to the walls and ceilings. He was _sure_ there was the dark dot of a camera lens hidden _somewhere_! But the room had too many fancy three-dimensional swirls on the ceiling and floor. The Purebloods called it _tin ceilings_ but Harry didn't know this; to him it was just odd swirls covered by pale cream paint. "What is this? Some form of Candid Camera? Well, I'm not falling for it!"

"_Now_ what are you blabbing about, Potter?" Draco asked, aspiration in his voice. "Why must you turn every little thing into a big deal? And I assure you I had to do the same thing as a child."

"It's to improve your posture." Lucius remarked. "Malfoys walk straight and erect. We do not slouch or do any other numerous things that people of lesser blood do."

"My blood is just as good as yours! All blood is the same!" Harry insisted loudly.

"And we do not raise our voice…" Lucius calmly replied. "And no, not all blood is the same. Purebloods are superior and we will always be so. And if you wish to _prove_ that you're just as good as a Pureblood then walk across the room with this vase on your head. If you can do that, then I shall _consider_ the possibility."

Harry glared at him. Snatching the vase from the Death Eater's hands, he carefully placed it on his head. He felt incredibly stupid but the older man had goaded him into it. "I feel like an idiot!"

"You can do it, Harry!" Hermoine cheered him on from her spot on the sofa.

"Just wait until _you_ have to do this, Hermoine." Harry muttered under his breath. For some odd reason the vase didn't want to balance on his head and he kept readjusting it. But as soon as he took his hands a fraction of an inch away the drat thing wanted to fall over! He gritted his teeth and straightened his spine, loud popping sounds coming from his backbone. "Great, now I sound like a popcorn machine!"

But he wasn't ready to give up yet. He squared his shoulders and carefully let go of the vase. It swayed a bit but managed to stay perched upon his head. Then he raised a foot to take a step forward.

CRASH!

"Oops!" Harry stared at the smashed remains of the green vase that now littered the expensive carpet.

"Potter! You didn't even get one step!" Draco cried.

Lucius groaned from his spot in the doorway. It was clear Potter would need a _lot_ of work before he was ready to date Pansy!

To be continued…

AN: Hope you liked this chapter. By the way, the Ladies Parlor described here is from a real mansion in my city and is also described in my other HP story, "Symbiosis". So tune in for the next chapter to see what else Lucius will make Harry do and if Draco can marry Hermoine!


	6. Muggle In Laws?

Dazed and Dumbfounded 6

AN: I have a lot more crazy ideas planned so the chapters should _hopefully_ be coming quickly. Of course, I will take time off to read HBP! But I think everyone will be reading that, right? I'm going to go pick up my copy tomorrow morning. No midnight line for this gal. I had it on order since Feb…can't believe the wait is almost over! By the way, the word _Scaphium_ is Latin for _bowl_. It's the closest I could get to _vase_ using the online English/Latin dictionary. So don't let the odd word confuse you. One must do research to create spells .. hee-hee. Oh and since the last few chapters have focused a bit on Harry this one will be with the 'lovebirds'. OK?

Lucius pointed his wand at the smashed vase. "_Scaphium Reparo_!"

The various shattered pieces flew back together neatly and the green vase was whole once again. Scowling, Harry picked it up and stormed out of the room past Lucius. He was going to go practice in _private_ and just maybe he'd outsmart the Death Eater. There had to be an _easier_ way out of this ludicrous situation. There always was.

Lucius hovered in the doorway, uncertain if he should talk more to his son or go after Harry. He didn't exactly care for the idea that Potter was wondering about his mansion freely but then there was a Muggle-born sitting in the room his wife used to entertain her guests. This was getting out of hand. Trusting Potter to be sensible enough for a few moments, the Death Eater hurried into the Lady's Parlor. Stopping before the sofa where the two sat, he gazed down upon them. "Draco, I'm beginning to think this is a bad idea. Oh, it's entertaining enough to watch Potter's reactions but it's never really going to work. Are you certain this isn't some rebellious phase you're going through?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Draco replied as he rolled his gray eyes. He then focused his eyes on his father's face. "I suppose it may seem that way to you but I assure you I'm not rebelling as you call it. I just love Hermoine. Is that so hard to understand?"

"But she's a Muggle-born!" Lucius protested, still aghast by the mere idea of it.

"And she beats me in every subject." Draco admitted as he leaned back against the sofa, relaxed. "I think her grades prove she deserves a little better, don't you think? And she may be a Gryffindor, but she's a clever, _sneaky_ Gryffindor. She'd make a perfect addition to the family. And I really don't see why we Malfoys must scrape and bow to that _thing_. It's degrading; Father, and you know it! Your childish behavior and misplaced loyalties to that _monstrosity_ have dragged the family down into the dirt. I say its time we repaired our image. We're _Malfoys_! We don't bow to anyone, remember?"

Lucius was quite taken aback by this speech and his lips narrowed in anger as he contemplating slapping Draco across his face for the bad words. But he stayed his hand and instead glared down at his son. "And what would you have me do, Draco? With this mark on my arm I have no choice but to obey him, even if its clear his goals have changed. I was young and more than a bit rebellious when I joined his group of Death Eaters. It was exciting, going around and terrorizing helpless Muggles. I admit I enjoyed it. It gave me a sense of power, of belonging. And above all I believed he meant to further the goal of the Purebloods. But since then things have changed. The crisis of the Purebloods has been forgotten in his all-consuming rage to murder Potter and achieve revenge. Nor can I just walk away. Deserters are hunted down and killed along with their families."

"Why don't you just get rid of him?" Hermoine asked.

Lucius stared at her in surprise. "Are you suggesting that _I_ should kill him?"

"Of course! Its how these things work isn't it?" Hermoine rolled her brown eyes. "Haven't you ever seen Return of the Jedi? It was Darth Vader that killed his evil Master, not Luke! And if Vader would have lived he would have become Emperor!"

"Emperor…" Lucius spoke to himself. The word had a nice ring to it. It spoke of power, wealth and thousands upon thousands of willing subjects. And servants, one mustn't forget all the servants! Yes, he liked house elves as servants. And all he had to do was kill Voldemort to get it….

"Oh great!" Draco moaned as he took in his father's far away gaze. "Now you put an idea in his head, as if he wasn't power hungry enough!"

"Kill Voldemort! I can't do that!" Lucius snapped out of it as he realized his twisted power-hungry mind had gone off the deep end. "He'd kill me!"

"Well, can't you give him some cookies with ex-lax in them or something?" Hermoine asked innocently.

Both Draco and Lucius looked at her blankly.

"It's this special type of Muggle chocolate…" Hermoine started to explain.

"You want me to kill him with _chocolate_?" Lucius asked, shocked. "That's the most stupid thing I ever heard!"

The Death Eater made a special note within his mind to go find some of this special chocolate called ex-lax. It was no doubt a Muggle thing. Then his face paled with utter horror. Muggles! If Draco really did marry Hermoine he'd have _Muggle-in-Laws_! It would be an out right _scandal_! They'd probably want to visit his house and they'd talk about Muggle things. Heck, they'd give him Muggle Christmas presents! Moaning, he collapsed heavily into a nearby bright red chair, his face in his hands. His son was going to _ruin_ him!

"I'm not going to have _Muggle-in-Laws_!" Lucius cried with determination as he glared at the two of them. "I'm not going to have Muggles visit my home! There has never been a Muggle inside this house, ever!"

"Well, you can visit their home." Hermoine replied matter-of-factly as she patted his hand lightly. "My parents aren't all that bad. They're dentists."

Lucius glanced up at her, an unfamiliar expression in his gray eyes. For one, he never had anyone pat his hand before and he didn't know what to make of it. Was she trying to _comfort_ him? Or was it some sneaky thing akin to what Slytherins did? But then she was a Gryffindor and Gryffindors thought differently. They were weak and didn't consider getting the better of someone else noble. Slytherins, on the other hand, considered it their primary goal. Second, she had spouted another one of those puzzling Muggle words. "Dentists?"

Hermoine smiled brightly at his question, pleased that he was interested in learning more about Muggles. "Yes, their dentists. See, they have this special chair they put a person in and then they look in the mouth. They use metal tools to scrape at the teeth and so forth. And sometimes they use this big drill to make holes in the teeth so they can pour melted metal in…"

"Drill? Holes? Melted metal?" Lucius leaned forward, interested. "Why, Miss Granger! You never said your parents enjoyed _torturing_ Muggles!"

Hermoine's brown eyes widened as his choice of words but she nodded her head in agreement. "Oh yes, they've been doing it for years! And sometimes they cut the gum away from a tooth and just _jerk_ it right out!"

"Oooh, how deliciously sickening!" Lucius rubbed his pale hands together as he tried to picture the poor hapless Muggles strapped into the torture chair, big straps around their arms and legs. The big shiny drill would come down, closer and closer to the Muggle's open mouth. And then there would be wonderful _screaming_! A grin spread across his face as he looked at her.

"Well, it's not _exactly_ like that…" Hermoine started to say but he cut her off with a wave of his long fingered hand, his ring flashing in the sunlight.

"There's no reason to be _modest_, Miss Granger. I have been a bit puzzled why you wished to marry Draco knowing full well I'm a Death Eater but now I understand."

"But my parents are _helping_ Muggles!" Hermoine cried.

Lucius grinned. "Yes, and I enjoy _helping_ Muggles, too."

"Hermoine," Draco said as he looked at her wide-eyed. "Your parents _really_ don't do that, do they? I mean with the drill and all? And why would anyone pull a tooth out? Do you realize how much that must hurt?"

Hermoine sighed. "Yes, Draco. They really do that. And people pay them, too."

Lucius blinded in surprise. "Muggles _pay_ to get tortured? I had no idea…"

"I told you it's _not_ torture! My parents help Muggles care for their teeth!" Hermoine insisted as her eyes flashed angrily.

"Oh, yes. Like drilling holes in teeth is _helpful_!" Draco shook his head, his blondish-white hair in his eyes. He loved Hermoine but sometimes he just didn't understand her Muggle ideas at all. "Well, I hope you know I'm not letting them near _my_ teeth!"

"Oh, there's nothing wrong with your teeth!" Hermoine huffed in indignation.

"Yes, and I'd like to keep it that way!" Draco replied quickly as he watched her. "If they go drilling holes in them there certainly will be bloody things wrong with them! Granger, sometimes you don't make any sense! Muggles are all crazy if you ask me and this is proof!"

"You just don't understand!" Hermoine glared at him but was determined to ignore the crazy Muggle remark. It wasn't really Draco's fault he didn't understand Muggles or their ways. How could he when he had zero experience with them?

"May I interrupt for a moment?" Lucius asked as he watched the two have their little dispute.

"What?" Hermoine turned to look at him.

"Do you think it's possible I may get one of these drills?" The Death Eater asked hopefully.

"NO!" Hermoine replied. "Their only for licensed dentists that have gone to school and learned how to use them properly! Besides, it needs electricity to run which I must point out you don't have."

"But it sounds like such a nice torture device. I thought I could add one to my dungeon." Lucius remarked.

Hermoine's face paled.

"I thought it was OK with you that I was a Death Eater."

"Well, I'm marrying Draco, not you." Hermoine answered, her voice a bit shaky. Sure she had known he was a Death Eater, but to hear him talking so _casually_ about wanting to torture people!

"But you will live here and you will have to accept facts."

Hermoine stared him boldly in the eyes. "Just like you'll have to accept the facts that my parents are Muggles!"

"Yes, well, I need to think more on this…" Lucius stood and left the room, his thoughts on whether or not he could possibly acquire one of these Muggle drills… And he mustn't forget about that chocolate, either. Now what had it been called, ed-max? The Death Eater shook his head as he strolled down the hallway, his long snowy locks trailing smoothly down his back. As much as he had enjoyed talking of Muggle torture with Miss Granger, he needed to see where Potter had wondered off. He came around a bend in the hallway and a slight grin spread across his face as he spotted the boy.

Harry walked towards Lucius, the big green vase secure on his head. "Hello, Mr. Malfoy."

"Well, I see your posture has improved greatly!" Lucius replied happily.

"Yes, sir. I've been practicing." Harry replied.

Lucius eyed the vase perched on top of Harry's head and his gray eyes narrowed to slits. The vase seemed _too_ steady. It didn't wobble or wiggle at all, which was very odd indeed. And this was no ordinary boy he was dealing with, this was Harry Potter, the one that hexed bathtubs and killed Dark Lords. The Death Eater's lip wavered slightly at the corner as he thought up a particularly good plan. One hand darted into his pocket and accidentally dropped a golden Galleon onto the smooth wooden floor. "Oh! I dropped a coin. Will you please pick it up for me, Harry?"

Harry eyed him for a long moment and shrugged. Bending forward, Harry picked the coin up and handed it to Lucius, the green vase staying stuck firmly to the top of his head the entire time!

"You're cheating!" Lucius growled as he pointed at the vase. "It stayed on your head! You're not supposed to use spells, boy!"

"I didn't use any spells!" Harry said hotly as he glared at the older man. "You took my wand away, remember?"

"Then why didn't it fall off your head?" Lucius reached for the vase and gripped it firmly with both hands. He tried to pull it from Potter's head.

"Oowww!" Harry cried in pain. "You're pulling my hair out!"

"Give me back my vase!" The Death Eater demanded. "What the heck did you do, _glue_ it to your head!"

"Yeah!" Harry admitted. "I found some glue in your office…"

Lucius sighed. The boy had Slytherin tendencies all right, especially the one for cheating!

To be continued…

Hope that was funny!


	7. High Society

Dazed and Dumbfounded 7

AN: Sorry for the long wait, but my computer refused to work in the 90 degree temps during the way-too-hot summer. But I'll be continuing this and my other stories now.

Harry stared glumly at himself in the gilded mirror in his new bedroom in Malfoy Manor. Well, it was _supposed_ to be him. Of course, his reflection these days didn't look anything like the Harry Potter he had known all the long years of his life. In fact, he looked more like Draco. His hair was the characteristic snowy white of the Malfoys and at the moment it stuck up more than the usual amount, thanks to the vase he had glued to his head just a half hour earlier. Mr. Malfoy, of course, hadn't cared for that one bit and had yanked it off right away. Leaning closer to the mirror, Harry tenderly touched the top of his head and winched. Worse, it looked as if he may be going slightly bald as well. "Stupid Pureblood! He's more insane than I thought! First he wants to kill me and now I'm practically his son? What's he's going to do next?"

Remembering the goal of his current predicament, he slumped onto the bed in defeat. "Oh, he wants me to marry Pansy…"

Which, of course, was totally insane!

But then, Lucius was nuts, right?

Harry's green eyes flickered around the large bedroom. This room was nothing like his bedroom at the Dursleys. For one thing, the bed was immense and could easily hold two or three people of Harry's size. Why anyone would need such a huge bed for a single person was beyond Harry's grasp, but the Malfoy's seemed to favor elaborate showy furniture. The bed's four posts were carved out of some smooth, dark polished wood. The wood actually shone and Harry knew that some house elf must have spent hours rubbing on the wood to remove even the faintest hint of a fingerprint. That thought led to Hermoine, of course. She _hated_ the idea that house elves were nothing but slaves and if she was really going to marry Draco and live here….

The young wizard shook his head. Within a short time Lucius and Hermoine would be engaged in a war over house Elves. "Do I really want to be here to see that? As if I didn't hear enough about SPEW at Hogwarts…"

The thought banished for the moment, Harry continued his exam of the room. The soft carpet under his feet was nice, but a gilded cage was still a cage. "Why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself? I have to _escape_ before it's too late!"

Leaping off the bed, Harry walked to the door and tried the knob. He half expected it to be locked but the door opened smoothly. Stepping out into the hall, he came face to face with Draco.

"There you are, Potter. Father wants to see you in the Dining Room." Draco drawled.

"You can get someone else because I've had enough of this madness. I'm going home!" Harry stormed past Draco in what he hoped was the right direction. Any direction was fine. He'd even crawl out a window if he had to…

"What? But you can't!" Draco ran after Harry and grabbed the other boy's arm. "Our plan is going great and if we keep it up Father will soon agree I can marry Hermoine. That was our goal, right?"

"No, our agreement was that I'd stand by your side while you told your father you wanted to marry Hermoine. I did that. I never agreed to join the family or date Pansy. I don't even know her! Besides, she's a …."

"What? A Slytherin?" Draco narrowed his eyes and frowned. "You know what your problem is, Potter? Your problem is that you have a skewed, twisted viewpoint of Slytherins and Weasley was the one that gave it to you! You seem to think that all Slytherins grow up to be mass murderers, like You Know Who. But that's not true. This may shock you, but not all Slytherins are even criminals. Do you really think the school would keep a House that cranked out all murderers and such? Of course not! The main characteristic of a Slytherin is _cunning_. And I guess a lot of us are also ambitious. Sure, maybe some of us _do_ bend rules and become engaged in shady business. Mr. Borgin is a good example. But he's also a businessman. The Ministry knows about his shop, you know. They know he sells Dark Magic items. Yet they don't shut him down, do they? And if you think back to our First Year, didn't Slytherin House have the most points at the end of the year? We were going to win the House Cup before your precious Dumbledore handed out those extra points to you. And you know what that means? That us Slytherins are the most well-behaved of all the Houses!"

Harry was silent and didn't know what to think. Could Draco be right? Was he wrong about Slytherins? Or did the blonde have this whole thing planned from day one? Yeah, maybe that was it… Harry poked a finger into Draco's chest. "You had this planned, didn't you?"

"Have what planned?" Draco asked innocently.

"This whole thing with Pansy! That's why you insisted I come along with you and Hermoine!"

"Potter," Draco replied calmly in his normal drawl. "We both know you're clueless when it comes to girls. You'd _never_ get a date otherwise! Why, you didn't even know Granger was a girl until the Dance our Forth Year!"

Harry gritted his teeth. A part of him wanted to pummel Draco for tricking him and old habits died hard, but they were friends now. And violence never solved anything. Besides, beating the blonde up inside his own house with his father lurking who-knows-where wasn't exactly smart. It was sheer suicide. And he wasn't that dumb yet. "Of course I knew Hermoine was a girl! And I've been on a date!"

"And that date was a big success, was it?"

"Well, not exactly…" Harry admitted.

"There's nothing wrong with dating a Slytherin. Opposites attract and all that, right?"

Harry shrugged. "I really don't know…"

"Of course they do!" Draco grinned as he pulled on the other boy's arm and started to lead him back to the bedroom. "Now let's get you dressed for dinner."

"What's wrong with what I have on?" Harry asked in confusion as he glanced down at the black clothes the Zunno the House Elf had given him after the forced bath.

Draco waved a pale hand in dismissal, a sneer on his pointed face. "Don't be ridiculous, Potter! You can't wear _that_ to dinner! Father would be furious! You're expected to wear _dinner attire_, although I'm sure _you've_ never heard of it."

Harry didn't like Draco's tone of voice but he let it slide past for the moment. "Are we having guests or something?"

"No. But we're expected to dress for dinner. It's how it's done, Potter." Draco explained as he dragged Harry back into the new bedroom. Once inside, Draco went directly to the huge wardrobe and flung the doors open. After flipping through the clothes within, he pulled out several pieces of clothing and laid them on the bed. "That should do nicely, I think. Not that it's my job, really. A footman should be helping you with this…"

"A footman?" Harry gawked blankly at the other teen.

Draco shook his head sadly. "You don't even know what that is, do you? Oh, Father will just _love_ this!"

Harry picked up a long piece of unfamiliar fabric in confusion. What was worst, it had _lace_ on it and that instantly reminded him of Ron's old-fashioned dress robe from Fourth Year. But what the heck _was_ it? It certainly wasn't a shirt or pants or even a belt. Well, he _hoped_ it wasn't a belt. It was thin enough to pass for one maybe…

"_That_ gets tied around your neck in a bow, as any properly dressed gentleman would wear. Now put it down and let's get you dressed…"

Harry stared at the lacy neck kerchief, horrified.

He was really beginning to hate being a Malfoy!

Some time later, Harry found himself sitting at the long table in the Dining Room. The unfamiliar clothes he was forced to wear annoyed him, especially the bit of lacy cloth tied around his neck in some complex bow. Worst, Draco had to tie it for him because the bows he had made were somehow all wrong and then the blonde had started to worry the starch would go out of the cloth…! And so Harry found himself sitting at the elaborate table, his hands folded in his lap from fear of making some booboo. It was becoming rapidly clear that the Malfoys were stuck in the past and didn't know it was the Twentieth Century! Talk about living in the past! The Dining Room itself looked like a museum piece from the 1800s! And were those real crystal goblets? Worse, why did he have _three_ of the goblets in front of his place setting? And all those spoons, forks and knifes…. His stomach started to bubble nervously as he realized it was going to be one of those multi-course meals and one was expected to know what spoon or fork to use.

He was _doomed_!

"Well, I must say you clean up quite nicely." Lucius said from the head of the table as his blue eyes scanned Harry. "With a bit of training, perhaps you could pass as a Malfoy. What do you think, my Dear?"

"Clothes alone don't make a man nor does hair color." Narcissa remarked from the other end of the table. "As I'm sure you know, Lucius. Still, perhaps young Harry has potential. He _did_ kill a basilisk or so I heard. Is that true? Did you really kill the monstrous creature?"

"Yes, I did." Harry replied matter-of-factly. "With a sword, Godric Gryffindor's sword to be precise."

"How marvelous!" Narcissa exclaimed. "Perhaps there's a smudge of nobility in you somewhere…."

Merlin, how long would he have to suffer through this ordeal? Harry gritted his teeth and his green eyes darted across the table to where Hermoine sat between Draco and Narcissa. His friend from school looked totally different, as she too had been forced to dress up for the evening meal. Her hair was piled on her head in some fancy hairdo that apparently called for fresh flowers from the garden. The pale pink roses matched the exact shade of her off the shoulders evening gown. Harry didn't know much about cloth or fabric, but the dress was made from some rich embroidered material covered in a rose pattern, the embroidery just a shade darker than the dress. It looked nice on Hermoine and he briefly wondered if it was Narcissa's dress. He was positive that his best friend wouldn't own a dress like that. It was like something out of a Disney movie, clothing from a by-gone era. And that sparkling necklace around her throat couldn't possibly be hers. No way! So it must be Narcissa's, but would the icy cold woman even own anything that was _pink_?

"Um, Sir?" Harry nervously said. "I think there must have been a mistake because I seem to have three glasses…."

Lucius sighed. "You're _supposed_ to have three goblets; each for a different drink. Didn't the Muggles teach you proper dining?"

"Umm … I wasn't allowed to eat the table with my Aunt or Uncle. I had to serve the meal and clean up afterwards…"

"How disgusting, doing a footman's labor!" Narcissa exclaimed. "And to filthy Muggles no less!"

"A footman?" Harry asked.

"They're a type of male servant." Lucius explained. "They help out around the manor including serving the meals like waiters do in a restaurant. It's also their duty to help the young Masters, which would be you and Draco, dress and draw your baths. This house has several different types of servants. Nor are they allowed to start conversations with you. They live by a strict code of conduct. If you wish for something, a footman will fetch it for you. If you're going to be my son, you must learn these things."

"But I can dress by myself." Harry exclaimed. "I really don't need someone doing it for me…."

"But it's their duty." Lucius explained. "Without us to serve, the house elves would have nothing to _do_. Surely you don't want them out on the street, do you? It's a mark of prestige to have house elves. Not all wizarding families are so lucky or privileged. Remember that. Now, let us change the subject…"

A house elf appeared and placed a plate in front of Harry, the action practiced and smooth. Nervously, the young wizard stared at the _thing_ that rested upon the plate. In fact, he had no idea what it was. Why, he couldn't even _describe_ the thing! It was small and the shape very vaguely resembled a taco shell … or a canoe. Yeah, it looked like a tiny canoe that filled with some odd white crumbly _stuff_. Was it cottage cheese? If he knew the Malfoys, it most likely _wasn't_. Apparently they had some weird chef in the kitchen cooking up weird stuff. Lifting his gaze, he was a bit pleased to see Hermoine staring at her canoe of not cottage cheese as well, a worried expression on her face. Whatever it was, it was small enough to eat in two bites. But how do you eat the thing? Harry was tempted to just pick it up with his hand and shove the whole thing in his mouth…

Would Lucius throw him out if he did so he could go see Mrs. Weasley?

Most likely not…

"So, Harry," Lucius said from the head of the table. "Where do you plan on taking Pansy on your first date?"

"Umm …." Harry lifted his eyes from the weird food to Mr. Malfoy. For some unknown reason, he had been seated right next to the older wizard and across from Draco. "I really don't know, Sir. I mean, I really don't know her…"

"Come, come! You must have some idea!" Lucius encouraged as he picked up a portion of the unidentified food with his silver fork.

"The Shrieking Shack?" Harry asked hopefully.

Lucius started coughing and choking. A house elf footman came running and dutifully pounded on his Master's back. Once the choking had been solved and the older wizard was breathing normally again, he glared at Harry. "No son of mine is going to take a date to the Shrieking Shack! That would be uncouth! It would be a scandal!"

Harry shrugged. He really didn't know anything about girls anyway…

"You're _supposed_ to take them to a nice restaurant!"

"Oh." Harry remarked and nodded his head in understanding. "Umm … would McDonalds be considered a nice restaurant? I suppose I could scrape together enough Muggle coins to buy a hamburger…"

"Ooohhhhhh," Lucius moaned as he hung onto his head. He needed a drink, badly! "Zunno, the port wine!"

"Don't you feel well, Mr. Malfoy?" Harry asked, concern in his voice.

"No, I don't."

"Well, maybe if you haven't been eating that canoe with the gunk on it…" Harry suggested helpfully.

"One: you _don't_ take a Pureblood girl to a Muggle grease trap! Are you trying to ruin this family? You need to _think_! You're a _Pureblood_! We only eat at high society _wizard_ restaurants! And I will pay the bill, _but_ you must behave appropriately! Is that clear? Two: this is _not_ a _canoe with gunk on it_, as you called it. It's very expensive dining from France!"

"I guess…" Harry nodded. "But I still don't see why I'm involved in this…"

"You're involved due to the contract, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. That." Harry replied glumly as he bravely moved a piece of the weird French food to his mouth. Closing his eyes tightly, he opened his mouth and tasted it…

If only there had been another Malfoy!

To be continued…

Sorry, but I don't know the names of any UK fast food places so an American one will have to do.


	8. Hermoine

Dazed and Dumbfounded 8

AN: Sorry the story has been concentrating on Harry a lot. I'll try to add more Hermoine and Draco, OK? I was thinking I could do alternating chapters, one from Harry's viewpoint and one from Hermoine's. How's that idea?

Dinner at Malfoy Manor had ended a few minutes ago and now Hermoine was taking advantage of a few brief minutes alone to settle her thoughts.

Although Harry had thought _he_ had felt uncomfortable during dinner, Hermoine had felt equally bad if not worst. For one, she wasn't exactly used to wearing feminine things. While she sometimes wore her hair up, she was really more of a tomboy and used to running around in jeans and sweaters just like the boys. The dress she had been asked to wear was a big change from what she was used to and it was a good thing a house elf had helped her dress because it would have been impossible to get the thing on and zipped otherwise. It was tight around her waist and the lady-like shoes with heels were a real pain compared to her regular sneakers, yet it made her feel beautiful. Beauty wasn't something she thought of often nor were clothes, although that were the only thing some of her female classmates ever seemed to talk about. But then, what did you expect from a bookworm? In her opinion, brains were much more useful. Still, she appreciated the sneak-peak of what her life would be like once she was married to Draco.

And _that_ clearly meant she'd have to deal with his parents on a daily basis. If only they'd quit the _I'm an Evil Wizard_ act. Anyway, she was pretty sure it was an act. Wasn't it? She didn't want to believe that they really _believed_ that stuff they were always spouting…

"You look spectacular." Draco told her, an appreciative grin on his face as his gray eyes moved up and down her body. "I'm sure Father will come around to agreeing to our marriage. He seems quite taken with his new pet project, if you know what I mean…"

"But I'm sure Harry _hates_ it." Hermoine replied, concerned. "This whole thing has no doubt confused him. He mainly sees things in black and white, friends and foes. There's no way to know how he'll react. He's done things in the past without meaning to. That is, his powers take control of themselves when he's angry and even he's surprised by the results. Aren't you concerned throwing him and your parents together like that?"

"What? You think Harry is going to kill my Father? The do-gooder Gryffindor?" Draco laughed. "I think he _needed_ that bath. The two of them will get along just fine; you wait and see. Harry will be crawling around in chimneys and Merlin knows where else while Father will be shrieking about all the dirt he smeared on himself. They'll drive each other nuts and better yet, they'll be out of our hair. Surely you'd appreciate some quite time together without half the school gaping at actually seeing us being civil to each other?"

"Contrary to what you think, Draco. Harry doesn't get dirty on purpose." Hermoine replied.

"No, but he has a knack for it." Draco drawled, then pointed towards one of the doors. "Would you care to see the gardens? I'm sure we'd have the place to ourselves."

"Well, I suppose…" Hermoine glanced down at the rich embroidered dress and fingered the skirt material. "You know, I'm not exactly _used_ to all this. I knew you were rich, of course, but it's a bit different _seeing_ it. Surely your family doesn't dress up for dinner every night, do they?"

"Don't Muggles? No, I suppose they don't, being Muggles and all…" Draco answered his own question. "But we have certain _standards_ to keep. Maybe some Pureblood families have allowed those standards to slip but we haven't. I know you'll get used to it."

"Well, a little show of warmth wouldn't hurt. That's the element that was lacking in Victorian and Edwardian lifestyle. Maybe the Weasleys don't have the fancy clothes or the expensive tableware, but they're not scared to show they care for each other. I would have thought your parents dropped the act in their own home…." Hermoine said as she started to follow Draco towards the gardens.

Lucius came up from behind the pair. "Act? What act?"

Hermoine spun around to face him. "That you're an evil wizard. _That_ act."

Draco looked from Hermoine to his Father.

"Am I not an evil wizard, Miss Granger?" Lucius raised an eyebrow in inquiry and patiently waited for a reply. "Am I not a Death Eater, as your friend Harry so loves to point out?"

"You know very well that Harry perceives things exactly as you want him to! He's only looking at the surface. That and he's a bit stubborn, set in his ways. But don't come complaining to me when you push him too far and he loses control of his temper and some of your pretty baubles get broken!" Hermoine stared him in the eyes, unafraid.

"I hardly think that fine crystal counts as _baubles_. But since my _act_ isn't convincing enough for you, perhaps you'd like to tour my dungeon? Would that convince you I'm a dark wizard?" Lucius asked as he indicated the direction the dungeons was in. "Since you're planning on joining the family, you should see the dungeon anyway. That way you'll know exactly what you'll be marrying into."

Lucius led the two teens into his study. After moving a fine Oriental carpet, he whispered a spell to unlock the hidden trapdoor. Bending, he lifted the door and motioned with his arm. "After you…"

Hermoine glanced uncertainly at Draco. But then, she hadn't been scared of going down the trapdoor her First Year so why should this one bother her? At least this one had stairs leading downward or else she'd never be able to manage it in the heels she was wearing. Stepping forward bravely, Hermoine placed her foot carefully on the first step and started down. Lit torches lit the way and she had no problem seeing where she was going. Still, she had to admit Lucius Malfoy had a certain flair for pretending he was dark. He no doubt enjoyed it. She followed the winding staircase down until she reached the bottom. And if she were totally honest with herself, she'd have to admit there was a tad of nervousness bubbling within her stomach. There was the slim possibility that she was wrong….

No, the clues were right there for anyone to see if they bothered to look… She had been right about Professor Lupin being a werewolf and she'd be right about this as well. Besides, Draco was with her and he wouldn't let anything happen to her.

Lucius passed her, his long cloak billowing out behind him. After leading her past several empty cells, he stopped and flourished his arm towards the row of objects. "As you see, I have quite a nice little collection. Are you positive I can't acquire one of those splendid torture chairs your parents love using on Muggles?"

Hermoine sighed as she eyed the iron maiden, rack and various other implements straight out of the Dark Ages. "I doubt if a dentist's drill would fit in your collection of antiques. You really don't expect me to believe you _use_ these things, do you?"

"Why use them when one has such a wide variety of lovely curses at your disposal? Still, the atmosphere they create is important. One wouldn't want the poor souls locked in those cages to get bored, would we? This way they can look out between the bars and see all these wonderful objects waiting for them."

"So if you're such a bad wizard, why are practically adopting Harry and trying to marry him off to Pansy?"

"Because he hates it. Why else?" Lucius replied calmly. "Of course, it doesn't hurt that he is an incredibly powerful wizard with many achievements already under his belt. Surely if anyone is worthy of the Malfoy name it is he? And that would leave Draco free to marry you, I suppose…"

"Well, I still think it's an act. I think you've been secretly helping Harry all along. _Someone_ had to tell Draco it was a basilisk down in the Chamber so he could rip out the correct page from the book. Harry thinks _I_ ripped the page out of a library book but I'd _never_ do that to a book! And I know I didn't. Of course, I never actually _told_ Harry that I didn't do it…"

"And why not, Miss Granger?" Lucius asked.

"Because if I told him the truth, that Draco stuck the paper in my hand while he was out visiting Hagrid, he wouldn't believe me. He'd think I was making things up or that it was a trick or something. He's quite mistrustful of Slytherins, you know. Of course, the Hat wanted to put _him_ into Slytherin…"

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "Really? How _interesting_. Perhaps he _belongs_ in Slytherin."

She was positive he meant something by that, but what? Although she was positive it was all an act with him, she hadn't figure out _why_. Oh, she knew he had to pretend he was dark so Voldemort wouldn't catch on and kill him, but why help Harry at all? That's the thing she didn't know … unless it was all a clever scheme to catch Harry?

"So," Lucius started to walk back the way they had come. "I suppose the little tour of the dungeon hasn't changed your mind on joining the family? I assure you I _do_ have a large variety of dark items stashed throughout the house."

"You can't scare me." Hermoine replied.

"Ah, the famous Gryffindor bravery. Well, if you don't mind being the only Gryffindor in a house full of Slytherins…."

"There's Harry…" she reminded him.

"Yes, and we all know what House he belongs in, don't we?" Lucius remarked as he pushed the trapdoor open and climbed back into his study. After they were all out, he closed the door and locked it again. "I do hope you realize this trapdoor _moves_, so don't think you can go snooping down there whenever you wish. It helps when the Ministry comes calling, you know…"

Hermoine watched him leave the room and then turned to Draco. "Why won't you tell me what's really going on?"

"Because I promised my Father I wouldn't, that's why. Besides, you'll figure it out." Draco wrapped his arms around Hermoine and pulled her close. "Now why don't we forget about Scarhead and concentrate on _us_?"

Trapped within his strong arms, Hermoine felt her heartbeat speed up. She lifted her gaze to his hypnotic eyes and felt herself sink into their deep depths. It always felt so wonderful, so magical to be in his arms. She felt his body shift as he leaned forward to kiss her. His lips were warm, soft and gentle and she closed her eyes to enjoy the simple pleasure of the kiss.

Yet somewhere in the back of her mind was the thought that this couldn't last, for sooner or later _He_ would find out and then what? It would all come crashing down like a house made of cards. Worst, it could happen at any moment. Voldemort was totally _obsessed_ with killing Harry…

To be continued…

Sorry this is so short but the last 2 days were kind of tough. I'm trying to add a bit of mystery to the story. The next chapter should hopefully be funny!


	9. Lucius' Plant

Dazed and Dumbfounded 9

Harry gladly escaped from the confining Dining Room where he had been forced to endure an actual meal with the Malfoys. He had seen Hermoine and Draco disappear in the opposite direction, no doubt to go spend hours staring at each other dreamily. It was stupid really. Hermoine was supposed to be the most intelligent of all of them and here she was waltzing around a noted Death Eater's home without a care in the world! And the bloody reason for that sudden lack of brainpower was that she thought the blonde Slytherin was _cute_!

The Boy That Lived shook his head and absentmindedly ran his food-smeared palm over his forehead to push his drooping bangs out of his eyes. This left a wide smear of assorted food across the bridge of his nose, the lenses of his glasses, his forehead and through his hair; not that he noticed. "Cute! There's a madman that wants to kill me and Ferret-Boy sidetracks her because he's suddenly cute! It doesn't make any sense!"

Hermoine had always been the most sensible one of the three friends. She knew all the spells, had obscure information and always knew the right thing to do. "Well, this can't be the right thing to do. She's going to get me killed, that's what…having dinner with a family of Death Eaters…"

Still annoyed, Harry paused in some fancy room. He had no idea what sort of room it was but all the rooms in the Malfoy Manor to him looked alike. The walls were cream colored with brilliant red draperies hung by the windows. A fire crackled merrily in the fireplace even though no one around. The furniture was the same plush red as the drapes and had the fancy carved legs of antiques. The teenager moved closer to the wall and peered near the furniture looking for a wastebasket. "Sofa, foot stool, potted plant, paintings, knickknacks, more sofas, some odd thing with a bunch of thread hanging on it … if the Malfoys are so rich why don't they have a wastebasket?"

The assorted food from dinner that he had jammed sneakily into his pockets was beginning to get mushy and he needed to ditch it before it started to drip. He certainly wasn't going to _eat_ the weird stuff. No, Lucius would be all to happily to poison him. Harry still remembered that day Second Year when he had used the Flu Power incorrectly and had accidentally ended up in Borgin and Burkes. He had hidden just in time as Draco and his father entered the store. Harry had heard how Lucius was selling dark wizard items so he wouldn't get caught with them and several poisons had been among the illegal loot. Feeling a slight wetness start to leak down the outer side of his left leg, Harry snapped out of his reverie. He needed to find that wastebasket and find it _now_!

He was passing through another room when an unusual looking plant in the corner caught his eye. Curious, Harry moved closer to get a slightly better look at it. It was as tall as he was and consisted of a huge white flower resting upon a thick main stalk. Several green leaves marbled with dark red stuck out from the stalk. A pleasant perfume wafted from the flower and Harry closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy the scent.

"I wouldn't get too close…" A voice said from somewhere behind him.

Hating himself for letting his guard down so low that someone had snuck up from behind him, Harry spun around and his intense green eyes flew open. Even if Draco's father had invited him to dinner and was apparently trying some new approach, that didn't mean he _trusted_ them. Hadn't he been locked down in a dungeon a short time ago? In a short while he'll probably be handed over to Voldemort on one of the fancy silver platters.

Narcissa stood before him in a dark green evening gown, her long pale blonde hair cascading down her back. She pointed a graceful, manicured finger towards the plant. "That is my husband's carnivorous plant. If you get too close you may loose a limb, so do be careful."

"What would you care if I lost a limb?" Harry glared at her. Draco's mother always seemed to have a snooty expression pasted to her face just like her husband. He doubted if she ever really cared about anyone or anything, just herself. "Or are you worried I'd get blood on your precious carpet?"

If he were expecting Narcissa to get angry, he would be disappointed.

"You poor boy, being raised by those _horrible Muggles_! It's clear they didn't teach you any manners." Narcissa said to him as she shook her head sadly. "But you're here now and I expect you to show us the proper respect. You'll have a good future in front of you now that we've taken you in. Things will be explained to the Parkinson's; don't you worry. There will be a nice and proper Pureblood girl in your future…"

"But…" Harry started to protest, his green eyes widening in horror. He had thought it was only Lucius that was crazy. Now it was clear that his wife was, too! Raw panic bubbled in his stomach and he knew he had to try and talk some sense into _someone_! "But I'm not a Pureblood! My mother was a Muggle-born! The Parkinson's wouldn't _want_ me to marry their daughter!"

"Nonsense!" Narcissa replied with a wave of her slender hand, expensive rings flashing on her fingers. "You're my son now and you'll have a proper betrothal as is suiting a Malfoy."

"But I'm NOT a Malfoy!" Harry shrieked. "Everyone in this house is MAD!"

"Really, Harry! Saying that your mother is mad … what a cruel thing to say! But you've been traumatized all these years." Narcissa frowned at the food smeared on his face, hair and hands. "You best clean up before my husband sees you like that. What were you ever thinking?"

"You're NOT my mother! Lily Potter was my mother!" Harry glared at her angrily, daring her to deny the truth again.

"You'll never get a wife by being dirty all the time."

"I DON'T WANT A WIFE!" Harry screamed as loudly as he could, not caring if everyone in the house heard him.

Narcissa's frown increased at his rude behavior. "Well! I'll be in the Lady's Parlor when you come to your senses and wish to apologize."

Harry watched her as she turned to leave the room. "You're just planning on handing me over to Voldemort!"

Breathing loudly, his thin chest heaving up and down rapidly with each breath, he turned to glare at the plant. The plant was _proof_ that they were evil wizards! What sort of person kept a carnivorous plant anyway? "A Death Eater, that's who…"

Wetness dripping down his leg suddenly reminded him that his pockets were stuffed with poisoned food. He needed to ditch it and the plant was as good a place as any other. Sticking an already sticky hand into his pants pocket, he pulled out a squashed, unidentifiable thing. Holding his hand far out in front of him as if he were reaching for the Golden Snitch, Harry inched closer to the large flower. As if it sensed his presence, the flower's thick petals began to move with excitement. Opening its petals further, Harry could see a dark hole deep in the middle of the flower. A shudder of fear and disgust passed through him as he realized he was looking at the thing's throat. It just wasn't natural that flowers ate like this. No, flowers were supposed to grow in gardens and be pretty to look at. But this was the Wizarding World and what you didn't know could kill you.

Taking aim, Harry tossed the assorted food from his pockets into the big plant. He emptied pocket after pocket and then patted himself down with his food-smeared hands. Harry looked worse now than when Narcissa had last spoke to him. Food stains in the shape of handprints covered his nice black dinner suit, not that he cared. No, he wasn't going to stay here any longer! He had kept his promise to Draco and that was all that he owed him…

Feeling a hard bulge in one pocket, Harry reached inside and pulled out a handful of jellybeans. He had totally forgotten about them! They were the awful tasting ones he had had in his other clothes. Each piece of candy had a slight tooth mark from where he had carefully bit it to see if it had been edible or not. These had not been. Lifting his green eyes, he glanced from the candy to the plant. "Why not?"

Tossing the uneatable candy into the plant's mouth, he left the room to head upstairs to find his own clothes…

After Harry left, the plant shook as a tremor ran up its thick stalk. The pale flower turned slightly greenish and then it spitted the awful candy out all over the floor, some of the French food from dinner coming up with it. Deciding it had been fed enough for the moment, it curled its petals tightly shut.

Harry trudged up the grand staircase in a foul mood. He reached the top and paused, glancing down the hall first to the right and then to the left. Which direction had they come from before dinner? Normally he was good at remembering such things but this was just too much. And the stupid thing around his neck! It felt like it was strangling him! Stupid Malfoys and their outdated clothing style! Reaching up with a sticky hand, he tried to tear it off but the drat thing refused to budge. Grabbing it with both hands, Harry yanked on it as hard as he could. This caused him to loose his balance and he stumbled backward. His back collided into the hallway wall, his head striking an ornate brass candleholder.

CLICK

The brass candelabra moved upward and the section of the wall that Harry was leaning upon swung inward. With a loud yelp of surprise, Harry fell into the darkness behind the wall. The section of wall smoothly slid back into place and closed without a seam in sight.

Back down on the main floor, Lucius had just finished his little talk with Hermoine and Draco. Leaving the pair in his study, he went in search of Potter. He was strolling along when suddenly one of his boots slid out from underneath him. Loosing his balance, he fell backward and crashed to the floor with a loud thud. He winched in pain as his head hit the floor and he lay there for a moment, stunned. "What the …?"

Worse, there was an alarming wetness seeping into his clothes…

Sitting up, Lucius glanced at the floor near him only to spot what looked like discarded food from dinner! And horror upon horror, he was actually _laying_ in it! Slowly he lifted one of his pale hands and grimaced in disgust at the liquid that slowly leaked down his wrist and dripped from his fingertips. And his sleeve, it was just _coated_ with it! What slob had been through here? Who would _dare_ throw food on his floor?

A soft cough drifted to his ears and he shifted his gaze to the right…

"My prize plant!" Lucius wailed in even more horror. The leaves were drooping and its normal gleaming white had shifted to a sickly mint green. "Someone tried to poison my plant!"

A bright stab of color on the floor caught his eye. There! A jellybean!

Lucius twisted his face up in anger. Someone had attempted to murder his prize plant with noxious jellybeans!

"POTTER!"

To be continued…


	10. Dust and Grime

Dazed and Dumbfounded 10

Author's Note: My writing should hopefully improve on this story as on Saturday I found my Joseph LoDuca CD that I always write to… the soundtrack from "Young Hercules". Don't ask why … just works that way. Oh, and I'm adding a tad of mystery to the humor. Someone said they were a bit confused by chapter 8. That'll be explained soon. Mainly Hermoine thinks the Malfoys are _pretending_ to be evil wizards, similar to what Snape is doing but not as open. Like double agents. OK?

"POTTER!"

The angry bellow rang throughout the house and Hermoine's brown eyes opened reluctantly, Draco's strong arms still wrapped around her waist. Their lips were still locked together and at this close range all she could really see was the pale blur of his skin and the even paler fringe of his platinum hair. Reluctantly, she started to pull away from the Slytherin. It was painfully obvious something had happened and it was her duty to Harry to go see what it was.

But Draco had other ideas…

"Ignore it." He mumbled against her ear as he started to gently nibble on her earlobe. Unlike most of the other girls at school, Hermoine's ears were not pierced and this left him free to nibble without worry of accidentally swallowing a piece of jewelry. Her hair smelled sweet from the citrus shampoo she had used earlier and he breathed the clean scent in deeply. He still couldn't believe how much he had come to care for her; even harder to believe was the fact that she loved him as well. And right now he felt like the luckiest wizard alive.

A pleasant tingling sensation raced through her and she giggled slightly. She still wasn't exactly used to his lips touching the too-sensitive area of her neck and ears. Whenever he did, she felt this warmth flood through her and if she wasn't careful, it would be all too easy to get carried away. Putting her hands on his shoulders, she shoved at him lightly. "Stop that."

"Ah, but I know you like it." Draco wiggled his dark brows suggestively, a wicked grin on his pale face. He pulled back slightly so he could see her better.

"But it _tickles_!" Hermoine protested weakly as she gazed into his gray eyes. Sometimes, in just the right light, his eyes looked a bit silver. Maybe Purebloods _were_ a bit more magical than other folk for who ever heard of someone having silver eyes? But he was _her_ Pureblood and that idea thrilled her. Of course, if anyone had told her that back in First Year she would have been shocked. But they had come a long way since then.

"Why else do you think I do it?" Draco asked. Over the years he had learned to enjoy pushing the Gryffindors' buttons, especially those of Hermoine and Harry. Yes, that had been fun but this was _so_ much better! "Hermoine, I must have been a fool to fight with you all of those years…"

"POTTER!" The angry bellow was repeated.

"I think we should go see what's happened." Hermoine said as she shifted her brown eyes off Draco and to the open door of the study. "Your father sounds really angry…"

"But we almost never get any time alone with each other!" Draco protested.

"I bet you'd kiss me all day if you could!" Hermoine teased him lightly. Still, she knew they _had_ to go see what problem their friend had gotten into this time. It was the proper thing to do.

"Could I?" he asked hopefully.

"No!"

"Well, you just wait until _after_ we're married!" Draco threatened, his brows wiggling again. "I'll kiss you all I want then, _without_ any interruptions. I mean, gee! Can't Harry stay out of trouble for a single day? Or even a couple of hours? And what trouble can he get into in the Manor anyway? This place is so _boring_!"

"Well," Hermoine paused as she thought about what he had just said. Malfoy Manor was without doubt one of the most beautiful homes she had ever seen. It was all glitz and glamour, polished floors and exquisite tapestries, Persian rugs and priceless antiques. But it had never occurred to her that the place could be boring. "I suppose it _could_ be boring."

"Well, you try growing up here where you're not allowed to touch anything because it might get broken." Draco informed her matter-of-factly. He thought of his childhood in the Manor and admitted it had been pretty good. In truth, his parents weren't the monsters that Harry took them for. At times, his father could be a real pushover. Lucius had bought Draco most of the things he had wanted and he _did_ have his own Quidditch pitch out back. How many students at Hogwarts could make that claim? Still, one couldn't play the game by oneself and as an only child he had often felt lonely. Gregory and Vincent would often come over but the two plump boys weren't good at flying at all. They were more interested in eating anything their grubby little hands could latch onto to, especially if sugar was a main ingredient. So while they had been physically there, they hadn't done much to relieve Draco's boyhood boredom. There were only so many places in the Manor to explore and he had known every nook and cranny by the time he was five. Plus there had been a lot of rules. As one of England's noble wizarding families, there were certain standards to keep, so Draco had been raised as a young duke or other nobility would have been. This included no running in the house, so he had learned to walk fast with a long stride. There had been a _lot_ of things to learn.

"But magic can repair broken things…" Hermoine pointed out.

'Yes, but one needs to learn _respect_ for antiquities." Draco pointed out. "If you don't, how can you properly appreciate the fine things in life? Tell me, Hermoine. Would you know how to truly enjoy a bottle of exquisite vintage, say a wine over one hundred years old?"

Hermoine's face twisted up in disgust. Although she knew the older the wine the more expensive it was, but still! She really didn't think she'd want to actually _drink_ something that old. The older food got the more poisons collected in it and she'd worry that the wine may be unsafe. There was a reason Muggles put expiration dates on food, after all. Every year so many people ended up in the hospital with food poisoning. Sure, most cases may be caused by improper food handling or under-cooking, but some were caused by old food as well. A can that sat on a shelf too long, the food going bad inside while it still looked OK. Bad food didn't always _look_ bad or even taste bad. Yet it could kill you just as easily as something covered with black and green mold. But this subject only pointed out how different Draco's upbringing had been from her own. Her parents hardly ever touched liquor and only imbibed at the few seasonal parties they attended, like during Christmas. Most Muggles thought one needed to drink alcohol to have a good time but Hermoine knew that wasn't true. Alcohol could easily ruin your life if you were weak-willed. Sure, she drank butterbeer but that was a form of soda really. "I … I don't drink alcohol. You know that."

"Yeah, I know." Draco smiled at her. "But a little wine won't _kill_ you. It's not fire-whiskey, you know."

"We really should go see what going on with your father…" Hermoine suggested. Dropping her arms from Draco's shoulders, she made her way around him and passed through the study's doorway.

Draco watched her leave and shook his head. She was such a Gryffindor, always running off to help people! Sighing quietly to himself, he went after her. Within moments he came upon a surprising sight: his father sitting on the floor in what could only be a puddle of food from dinner. In all his long years at the Manor he had never seen such a sight and he briefly wondered how Harry had orchestrated it. His keen eyes also spotted several bright candies in various locations, not to mention the mantrap looked in poor health as well. Surely Potter hadn't tried to feed it _candy_, had he? Draco nodded to himself. Potter _would_ do an imbecile thing like that because he didn't know any better.

"Mr. Malfoy! Are you all right?" Hermoine dashed to his side and held out her hand to help him up. Gripping his hand, Hermoine hoisted him to his feet.

"He's trying to kill me!" Lucius accused angrily. "Look at this horrible _mess_ he made! The floor is ruined, _ruined_! And look at my poor mantrap!"

Hermoine's brown eyes flickered to the large wilting flower that the elder Malfoy was pointing at, his arm trembling in rage. Recognition dawned in her eyes. She remembered reading about mantrap flowers! "But I thought they were purple…"

"There is a rare white variety … and Potter has _ruined_ it!"

"Now calm down, Father." Draco added as he moved to his father's side, being careful not to step in the wet smear of food on the floor. "I'm sure your plant will be just fine. And the floor can be easily cleaned with a simple charm. You know that."

The mantrap emitted such a wonderful scent that all within a sixty-foot radius was drawn to the plant and consumed in its deadly jaws. It all was magic, of course. It really wasn't that the smell itself was irresistible but that the attraction charm the plant threw out was incredibly strong. Only those of exceptionally strong will escape it. Hermoine thought it all through and admitted she had never knew a weaker white variety even existed. "It's a relative of the Venus fly trap, isn't it?"

Lucius' brow rose in surprise, a bit of his anger fading. "So you _are_ as clever as my son says. I'm quite impressed. Not very many people recognize the mantrap. And as I'm sure you ascertained, this variety possesses only a very weak charm."

"Otherwise you'd walk willingly into its deadly jaws." Hermoine agreed with a nod of her head, understanding clear in her eyes. She frowned at the mess someone had made all over the polished hardwood floor. She found it hard to believe Harry would _do_ such a thing. It just wasn't like him. "I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this…"

Upstairs in the Manor, Harry slowly sat up and cautiously touched the back of his head. He had struck it against something and then he had fallen _here_, wherever here was. Dust tickled at his nose and he sneezed. Moaning, he slowly sat up and blinked his eyes. It was totally dark and he couldn't see anything. He had been in the brightly lit hall one moment and now he wasn't. Moving slowly, Harry felt the ground around where he sat. Rough unfinished boards meet his questing hands along with piles and piles of dust. "Great, just great! I must have triggered some secret passage…"

Hogwarts was filled with secret passageways and he had traveled through most of them. Of course, he had his wand then. Now he wasn't so lucky. How was he going to get out of here if he couldn't see anything? Worst, there could be stairs or holes he could fall into. He _had_ been on the second floor after all. He imagined a gaping maw that went all the way to the deep dungeons and a shiver went through his body. Such a fall could easily kill him. Sighing, Harry realized he had only one option: wandless magic. The _lumos_ spell wasn't that complex and maybe if he concentrated really hard he'd be able to produce a faint ball of light. It certainly wouldn't hurt to try…

Closing his green eyes, Harry concentrated with all his might and then whispered the word. "_Lumos maxima_!"

When he opened them a moment later, he was relieved to see a faint ball of white light hovering in the air before him. Glancing around, he saw that he was indeed trapped between walls. The dusty area was just wide enough for his body and thick cobwebs were everywhere. Pushing himself to his feet, he sneezed again and went in search for an exit. Heading in a random direction, he soon came to a pair of dust-covered stairs and headed down them in a hurry. He was unsure how long the light spell would last and he desired to be out of here before it faded. His shoe slipped on one of the steps and he tumbled the rest of the way, a huge cloud of dust billowing up around him. Coughing, Harry vainly tried to wave the dust away from his face but that only stirred it up even more. It was obvious no one had been back here for years. Maybe the Malfoys didn't even know this place existed. The Manor was ancient. Rubbing an aching shin that had roughly collided with the hard edge of the stairs, Harry noticed a sharp corner of some object poking up from a thick pile of dust. Curious, he reached for it. Pulling it free, he saw that he had found what appeared to be a square piece of paper. Wiping most of the dust off with his hand, he was rewarded with a wizard photograph…

If he wasn't a mess before, he certainly was now. His food-smeared clothing was gray with thick layers of dust and cobwebs hung on his shoulders and hair. Holding the photo up before his eyes, he tried to make it out but couldn't. Too much dirt was smeared on the lenses of his glasses to see properly. He pondered wiping them on his sleeve but realized that wouldn't do any good. If anything, his sleeve was dirtier than his glasses. Tucking the photo into his shirt for safekeeping, the Boy That Lived got to his feet once again. The way was level from there and after just a few more minutes, he spotted a device poking from the wall. Realizing it was a trigger to open the door, Harry gave it a pull. With an almost silent CLICK, the door slide open on invisible hinges and Harry exited.

Back in the Manor again, he sighed in relief. Taking his glasses off, he glanced around for something to wipe them on, a rag or something. But to his dismay, everything looked so expensive and he didn't want to get it dirty. Perhaps he could find a house elf…

Harry trudged through the room, leaving a trail of dirty footprints on the red and gold Persian carpet without knowing it. He entered the next room, not seeing Narcissa resting upon a luxurious armchair working on her needlepoint. Not that she actually _touched_ the needle, no. It was all done by magic, of course. Her eyes lifted from her hobby and landed on the dust-covered teenager.

"AAAAHHHHHHHIIIIIII!" Narcissa shrieked in utter fear and clutched at her chest with a pale hand, emerald rings flashing in the light from the wide bay window behind her. It was some horrid _thing_!

Narcissa's loud shriek startled Harry and he yelped as well, leaping a few inches off the floor. "EEEEEE!"

Hearing his wife's scream for help, Lucius came charging into the room, which just happened to be the Lady's Parlor. He skidded to a halt, his startled blue eyes on Harry. Hermoine and Draco appeared just behind him, their eyes also wide in surprise.

"POTTER!" Lucius screamed in outrage. "Where did you get all that DIRT?"

Harry blinked his green eyes. Truth be told, he was having a hard time seeing anything. "What dirt?"

"What dirt? What dirt? The dirt that's all over you! That dirt!" Lucius shrieked in a panic. Then he noticed the trail of dark gray footprints leading away from Harry into the next room. "MY RUG!"

Harry removed his glasses and yanked up his outer dinner jacket. The old wizard photo tumbled to the floor and Harry wiped his glasses clean on the shirt underneath. Satisfied he had cleaned them the best he could, he replaced them on his face. Bending, he picked up the photo without looking at it and held it in his hand.

"MY RUG! MY RUG!" Lucius hurried past Potter and shrieked when he saw how long the trail of footprints were. The boy was an utter _menace_! Spinning on his heel, he glared at Harry. "Why did you throw food on my floor, boy?"

"It wasn't me, Mr. Malfoy. Honest!" Harry replied. "It must have been someone else."

"Who?" Lucius demanded to know.

"It could have been anyone…" Harry shrugged, big clumps of cobwebs falling off his shoulders to float down until they landed on the expensive carpet.

Horrified, the Death Eater stared at the new dirt on the carpet. Through force of will, he managed to control the impulse to strangle the boy or to shriek out loud. Lifting his eyes back to Harry's face, he glared angrily. "Are you suggesting my wife or son threw food on the floor? _You_ are the new person in the house…"

"And that makes me guilty, does it?" Harry coolly replied.

"You're saying you're innocent when you're covered from head to toe in _filth_? Where exactly did you _find_ that filth?"

Harry stared dagger at the Death Eater. "In _your_ house! It's obvious you never clean! Just look at you! You're a slob! There's food all over your clothes!"

Lucius remembered he hadn't gotten the chance to _scourify_ his clothes yet. "How dare you!"

"Harry, please!" Hermoine interrupted as she hurried to her friend's side. She glanced nervously from one person to the other. The two were like cats and dogs. "It's not worth fighting over! It's just dust really. The house elves can clean it. I'm sure it's all just an accident. Isn't it, Harry?"

The teen grumbled something under his breath that Hermoine couldn't quite make out and then nodded. "Yeah, I guess so…"

"Well, that's settled then. Isn't it?" She turned to stare at the elder Malfoy.

"Zunno!" Lucius called.

"Yes, Master?" Zunno the house elf appeared immediately wearing a towel.

"Clean up this mess! And the mess in the other room as well! And prepare a bath for Mr. Potter." Lucius ordered, his intense gaze still on Harry. He knew the house elves cleaned the entire house from top to bottom daily, so where did he find all that dust and grime? It just seemed impossible!

While Lucius had been giving orders to the house elf, Harry remembered the photo he still held in his hand. Moving closer to the light from the window, he scraped more grime off it. To his surprise, it showed a family of three. A young blonde woman sat in a regal looking armchair, two tiny children on her lap. Both were very young and had the characteristic whitish-blonde hair of the Malfoys. One child was clearly older than the other, although by how much Harry wasn't certain. He wasn't very good at guessing the age of babies or toddlers and that's clearly what the moving photo showed. The younger child, a mere baby, waved its tiny fists in the air while the slightly older one laughed gleefully up at him. He was deep in thought, pondering exactly what the photo meant when a voice interrupted him.

"What is that you have there?" Narcissa demanded to know as she leaned forward, concern in her eyes.

Harry's emerald gaze lifted from the photo to Narcissa and back to the photo. The similarities were amazing, even the chair was the same. Holding his dust-covered arm out, he boldly stared into her eyes.

"Care to explain this?"

To be continued…


	11. The Photo

Dazed and Dumbfounded 11

Author's Note: Someone asked if this really was a Draco/Hermoine story. Well, it is (although it's not exactly like the other ones out there and I realize that). For one, I don't believe that Hermoine would just run off with Draco while Harry has it so miserable (living with the Dursleys, etc). Real friends stick together and don't only care about their own happiness. And I think Hermoine is that type of friend. I also have several different plots going on in this fic and at this moment it's leaning more toward mystery than comedy. So if you just want to read a story where Draco & Hermoine date at school there are lots of those out there. But if you'd like something a bit more complicated and explains lots of the background stuff from the HP novels/movies (I have my own theories on this) that involve Harry and Voldamore and the Death Eaters; then keep reading. And please realize that since chapter 1 started its still only one day. That is, it's still Father's Day and all the events have taken place in 1 day. OK? And thanks for the reviews! I appreciate it. I will try to include more D/Hr stuff though. Hopefully it should all make sense soon!

Narcissa reached for the grimy photograph with a shaking pale hand, emerald rings flashing on her fingers. Ignoring the thick layer of dust that coated the moving picture, she ran her fingertips over the moving figures. A poignant expression was on her face and when she raised her blue-gray eyes they shimmered with a layer of unshed tears. "Where – where did you find this?"

"Behind a wall, upstairs." Harry answered without thinking how odd it sounded. At the moment he was watching Narcissa's facial expression and he realized the old grimy photo meant a lot to her. "That's you in the photo, isn't it?"

For a young man still in school, Harry was very observant and this time he had guessed correctly.

The blonde woman nodded, the photo still clutched in her hand. The icy woman didn't look so frozen and aloof now. Her bottom lip trembled and her throat moved as she swallowed. In fact, she looked ready to cry. "And our two sons, before … before … he was snatched!"

Harry blinked his green eyes and his mouth hung open a bit. _Two sons_? He had never known that Lucius and Narcissa had two sons! The mere idea that Draco had a brother was a real revelation. And to have one of them snatched, kidnapped … it must have been horrible. To have to go through that pain, the uncertainty of where your own flesh and blood was and what some stranger was doing with your child. It reminded him of his burning desire for his parents but at least he knew they were dead. Not that the knowing made the pain any less. He'd do anything to have them back for real or to just speak with them for a single day. But he instinctively knew that in many ways Narcissa's pain must be far worse than his own for she remembered her tiny son while Harry really didn't remember his parents at all. Was that why she had tried to mother him a little while ago? The knowledge that he had rebuked her burned in his mind and guilt formed. If he had known, he never would have treated her like that…

And it was painfully clear now that she was a real person and not the snobby Pureblood she pretended to be. Under all that aloofness and the stone mask was a mother trying to forget a tragedy.

And he had just ruined it by finding the bloody photo! How could he have been so stupid? Why couldn't he have just left it lying there in the dust?

Narcissa leaped from her chair and threw herself in her husband's arms, her face buried against his shoulder. He securely wrapped his arms around her, his fingers tangling in her long silver cascade of hair. Resting his chin gently on top of her head, his gray eyes focused on Harry. His eyes didn't seem the usual cold orbs of steel now, but more warm. "It was our younger son that was kidnapped, if you must know. He was just an infant…"

Harry frowned. What sort of monster would kidnap a mere baby? Still, this was showing him a whole new side to the Malfoys; a side that he never thought existed before. It proved that they were a family and they did care for their children; not just people who happened to co-exist in the same house.

"And no," Lucius stated. "I doubt if You Know Who was involved…"

Not that Voldemort would bother kidnapping a baby, unless he wanted it for some evil blood sacrifice? The idea made Harry shudder and he quickly pushed the thought from his mind. No, it was more likely some desperate childless couple had taken advantage of a few critical seconds while the baby was unattended, perhaps in Diagon Alley. The place was often crowded and who really bothers to keep track of each person? Unlike what most people thought, it was far easier to commit a crime on a busy street than on a deserted one. He wasn't too sure if wizards used baby strollers like Muggles, but if they did who's to question a woman picking up the child? No one, that's who.

Then a new idea occurred to Harry. If he could _find_ this missing Malfoy, why, then he wouldn't have to marry Pansy! The more he thought about it, the better it sounded. And how hard could it be? For all he knew the missing boy could be one of his classmates from Hogwarts! Lucius and Narcissa would be thrilled to get their offspring back and he'd be free once again! And best of all, Draco could still marry Hermoine…

It would be a win-win situation!

A slight smile creased the corner of his mouth as he thought the idea through. Of course, he'd need Hermoine's help with the details. Her mind was always so much better than his due to the fact that she studied. He usually took care of the larger stuff, like defeating Voldemort and killing basilisks….

Meanwhile, Hermoine had gripped Draco by the wrist and hauled him into a nearby corner. "You never told me you had a younger brother!"

"Well, it's not like I really do with him missing and all…" Draco drawled as he watched his parents hold each other. "I knew about him, of course. Father doesn't speak about it often, you know."

"And couldn't the Aurors or someone find him?" she asked, her big brown eyes sad.

"Apparently not…"

Hermoine was quite for a moment, her lips pressed together in thought. Their original purpose for coming out to the Manor that morning was to tell Lucius of their wedding plans. That had happened but since then things had gone unexpectedly with Harry getting involved somehow. Still, they had plans to make whether his parents approved or not. "So, now that I met your parents are you going to meet mine?"

Draco's eyes widened in what looked suspiciously like fright. "Me? Meet Muggles?"

"Yes!" Hermoine nodded enthusiastically. "We can do it tomorrow, OK?"

"Tomorrow?" Draco gulped nervously as his eyes shifted about.

"Yes, tomorrow!" Hermoine insisted. "You're not getting cold feet, are you?"

"No, of course not!" Draco quickly added. "It's just that I never been to a Muggle house or neighborhood. I'm not too sure what to expect, that's all…"

"Well, my parents live in a nice neighborhood." She reassured him, smiling happily. "You know, sometimes I think the lot of you Purebloods have some sort of tech phobia! You're so used to magic that you freak every time that some Muggle thing like a car or radio is around…"

Draco frowned. He didn't like it that she was implying he was scared of Muggle things. "Listen, I'm not scared of some old Muggle car!"

Hermoine grinned brilliantly, a sparkle in her chocolate eyes. "Good! Then you won't mind riding in one on the way to my parent's home! I have my driver's license, you know…"

"WHAT! I'm not getting into one of those bloody steel boxes!" He exclaimed, clearly horrified at the mere suggestion. "Those things MOVE!"

Hermoine clung to his shoulder with one hand and laughed. "Of course they move! They're supposed to!"

"It's not funny!" Draco protested loudly. "I heard sometimes they hit stuff!"

She laughed harder; tears leaking from under her tightly closed eyelids. Sometimes he said the funniest stuff! It was one of the reasons she loved him so much.

"We'll get bloody KILLED!"

By now Lucius, Narcissa and Harry were listening to the exchange.

"I was once in a car that hit a tree…" Harry offered. "They're all right as long as you stay away from the Whomping Willow…"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Potter, no one in their right mind would go near that tree anyway. It's homicidal."

"…And sometimes there are pileups…" Harry continued as he thought of the numerous Muggle newspapers he had stolen out of trashcans over the many summers at his Uncle's house.

"Pileups?" Draco stared at Harry, his brows creased in puzzlement. "Do I want to know what that even is?"

"It's nothing!" Hermoine dashed over to where Harry was and slapped a hand over his mouth, slightly stepping on his toes to make sure he got the message. "Nothing at all! It's like riding a broom but you stay on the ground. You'll like it, really! Trust me!"

The blonde Slytherin stared at his girlfriend suspiciously, still unsure of riding in a car. One thing was certain and that was she had Potter trained in to obey her. He kind of liked that, actually. "Can't we just floo over to your parent's house?"

"Well, I suppose we _could_ but then you won't get the Muggle experience." Hermoine stated as she thought the matter through. "We're going to have a cookout, you know…"

The puzzled expression was back once again.

"You know, a barbecue? Cook the food outside on a grill?" Hermoine released Harry and hurried back to Draco's side. She glanced at some thing around her wrist and kissed him on the cheek. "It's getting late. I should go. See you at the Leaky Cauldron at nine tomorrow, OK?"

Draco dumbly nodded. Sure, he presumed that he'd see her parents at the wedding or maybe even before that, but eating Muggle food? Wasn't that a bit much? And those car things! Merlin, how did he get into all that? Hermoine was a _witch_, after all! It never even occurred to him she would know how to control one of those horrid metal boxes that Muggles seemed to favor.

Happy, Hermoine flounced to the fireplace and disappeared in green flames.

That night, Draco had problems sleeping. The idea of riding in one of those Muggle contraptions was disturbing. Unlike Harry, he'd never been on the Knight Bus. The Malfoys were wealthy enough that they used their own carriage when they choose to travel. If that wasn't an option, they used floo powder or apparated. He didn't even know what a Muggle street looked like, truth be told. For the first time in his life he would be leaving the familiar environment of the Wizarding World for the Muggle one. Even if it were just for a day, it was frightening. Yet he trusted Hermoine and knew she would never harm him on purpose. So he tossed and turned most of the night on his big four-poster bed and finally fell into a troubled sleep by morning.

But Draco wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping that night. Harry also lay wide-awake in the unfamiliar bed in the unfamiliar room he had been given in the Manor. The guilt for upsetting Narcissa still lay heavy on his chest; yet another burden he had to carry. He knew there must be some way to track down the missing child, but how? He could be anyone or be anywhere by now; if he even was in England that is. A slightly blurry image of Pansy flashed before his open eyes and he knew he'd have to do it no matter what; for if he didn't; he'd be doomed to masquerade as their missing son. Lucius was clever and not to mention devious enough to think up some brilliant reason why he had been gone all these years and Pansy's parents would eat it up. And after that…

Finally the next morning dawned and Draco crawled from his bed. After showering and dressing, he headed downstairs for breakfast. Both of his parents were already there; only Potter was missing. No matter, Draco ate the food the house elves had prepared and then wiped his mouth neatly with a linen napkin. "Well, I'm off to meet with Hermoine at the Leaky Cauldron."

"Be polite, Son." Lucius reminded him. "And be careful!"

"I will, Father." Draco promised as he headed to the fireplace and then he too was gone.

To be continued…

The next chapter will be about the car trip and hopefully the barbecue!


	12. The Car Trip

Dazed and Dumbfounded 12

Draco's nerves were jumping by the time Hermoine walked in through the door of the Leaky Cauldron. The ten nerve-biting minutes he had waited had been spent drinking coffee, which in retrospect wasn't a very good idea. He noticed right away that she was dressed very Muggle-like in blue jeans, a turquoise T-shirt and sneakers. Her shiny curls were secured in a ponytail and some odd glasses with dark lenses were on her face. Apprehensively he got to his feet and shoved the empty mug away from himself. "I didn't know you wore glasses."

"I don't. These are sunglasses, to keep the sun out of your eyes." Hermoine explained as she happily led him outside through the front door.

Although he had flooed to the Leaky Cauldron many times in his life, he had always exited through the back door that led to Diagon Alley. Oh, he had known the Muggle world awaited on the other side of the front door but he never dared step through before. He had always been taught that Muggles were inferior, that they killed magic-users. So it was with great uncertainty that he followed her through the forbidden doorway and stepped out onto the Muggle sidewalk. The first thing he noticed was the noise. Muggles were known for the awful racket they created. And the air had a funny smell to it. As he stood there gawking open mouthed some large moving metal box came barreling down the road with great speed. The Pureblood gaped at the semi truck without really comprehending what it was or that it was carrying a cargo of beer; something very popular among most Muggles. The truck blew its screeching air horn at another car and Draco leaped an entire foot off the ground. The sound had been _loud_!

"Oh, it's just a truck! Pay it no mind." Hermoine explained as she hurried back to him and gripped his wrist securely. Once she had a firm hold on him, she started to drag him towards her car, which she had parked at the curb near the Leaky Cauldron. Upon reaching the car, she happily looked at it. "See? This is my car. My father bought it for me."

Gazing at the car, Draco noted that it was bright red: a Gryffindor color. This was the first time he had actually been so close to one of the odd Muggle vehicles. Oh, he had a very general idea of what they were: metal boxes that moved somehow and often hit things. Now he noticed that big black wheels were on the bottom and that it had several windows, too. The Pureblood was totally unaware that cars came in different sizes, makes and models or that some cost a lot more than others. The thing that concerned him now was that Hermoine expected him to get _inside_ of the Muggle deathtrap. "Are you sure this thing is safe?"

"Of course it is!" Hermoine replied as she reached forward and opened the passenger side door. "Get in."

Taking a deep breath, Draco carefully slid into the car. Sitting inside he supposed wasn't too bad. The seat was soft as was the backrest with room for his feet. After checking that he was securely inside with no clothing dangling in the way of the door, Hermoine closed his door and went around to the driver's door. Sliding in quickly, she slammed her door closed and smiled happily at him. "See? This isn't so bad now, is it?"

"This thing isn't moving yet…" He pointed out as he eyed the mysterious wheel in front of her. He also noticed all the other little things that meant nothing to him, things like the fuel gage, speedometer, turning light and so forth. It all looked so _Muggle_! He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his mouth was suddenly dry. "What makes this thing go anyway?"

"It burns a fuel called gasoline, which is refined from crude oil." Hermoine explained as she buckled her seat belt. "You best buckle yourself in. See? This strap hooks into this little thing here…"

Grumbling, he did as he was instructed. "First you drag me into this tin can and now I have to be chained up? I thought this was a date, not a dungeon!"

"My car is _not_ a dungeon!" Hermoine insisted loudly. "Just because your father has a dungeon doesn't mean I do! That seat belt is there to protect you!"

"All right." He conceded, frowning. With nothing else to do, he watched as Hermoine stuck a metal key into a slot. Right after that there was a loud roar as the car started up. She made the wheel thing move and soon the car pulled out onto the road. His stomach felt slightly queasy and he hoped they wouldn't hit anything. As they slowly drove down the London street he saw shop fronts, street lights, weird poles that had big wires hanging from them high overhead, strange containers that sat on corners (trash cans and newspaper boxes), trees and all sorts of Muggles. When five minutes passed and they hadn't run into anything yet, he began to relax slightly. Maybe, just maybe Hermoine did know how to drive the strange contraption… He began to notice the different lights on poles and that the cars seemed to stop when the red light was on. Was that how Muggles controlled traffic, with colored lights? His father would never believe that!

"So, do your parents live around here?" Draco asked as he stared out the window at the passing Muggle world.

"Not in London. I thought we'd take the highway. It's faster then going down all the residential streets." Hermoine explained as she shifted lanes and made the car go up some sort of ramp.

Unfortunately for Draco, he had no idea what a highway was. Upon seeing all the metal boxes zooming along at breakneck speed his entire body stiffened in fright. His gray eyes widened as he took in the horrible sight before him, the four lanes of fast moving traffic. "Are you crazy? We're going faster than a Firebolt!"

"Oh, don't be silly!" Hermoine shook her head, her ponytail flying about. Deftly she switched lanes until they were in the smoothest lane of traffic. The engine hummed merrily as they sped on towards their destination, big signs passing by overhead. "Would you want to listen to some music?"

Petrified, Draco stared at the speeding traffic around them. It was a virtual Muggle nightmare!

"Draco?" Hermoine repeated as she glanced at him and noticed the wide-eye gaze. One white-knuckled hand gripped the door handle and his face was paler than usual.

Forcing his eyes off the road in front of him, he looked at her instead. "What?"

"I asked if you'd like to listen to some music." She repeated as she reached for the radio. "See, this is a radio. Muggles record music and send it over the airwaves. Well, I suppose you don't understand that."

The blonde shook his head. He _didn't_ understand it. In fact, he was beginning to think that Muggles were a lot more complex than he had always thought. They had a ton of things he didn't understand and most likely never would. And what would Muggle music sound like? How could music come from a little thing in a car without a band being present? "Sure, I guess."

Hermoine flipped the radio on and soon found a station broadcasting some soft rock music that had a nice beat to it. Her fingers tapped on the wheel in time to the music. It was one of the things she missed most in the Wizarding World and she failed to see how they could have moving photographs but no way to record music? How could they dance without it? Or did they dance so little that they just didn't care? Besides, it just sounded nice and it was often fun to sing along to the songs when no one was around.

After listening to the music for a short time, Draco decided he liked it. It had an infectious sound that made his foot tap on the floor and he had to admit he had never heard anything like it before. Not even the _Weird Sisters_, the most popular band in the Wizarding World, sounded like this. This music was _fun_.

"Your parents aren't really dark wizards, are they?" Hermoine asked over the soft music. "It seems to me they're just _pretending_ to be; although it is a fairly believable act."

Glad to have his mind off the frightening traffic all around them, he concentrated on her. He had to admit she looked nice with her hair tied up in the ponytail; it exposed the long graceful curve of her neck. A soft gleaming wave of honey-brown hair trailed along her ear and that made her just more beautiful. Silently he vowed that some day he'd buy her expensive jewels to wear around her throat; jewels that would be worthy of a Malfoy. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious if you look at all the facts." Hermoine explained as she kept a careful eye on the road. "You remember Second Year, don't you? That whole Chamber of Secrets stuff with the basilisk?"

Draco nodded. "Of course. How could I forget? Potter thought _I_ was the Heir to Slytherin, a bunch of ridiculous nonsense if you ask me. The fact that my family has been in Slytherin all those years proves I wasn't, didn't it? I mean, otherwise the Chamber would have opened every bloody year a Malfoy was at school."

"That's right!" Hermoine nodded her head in understanding. Why hadn't _she_ thought of that Second Year? "Anyway, after I was cured of being petrified, Harry thanked me for giving him the answers on a slip of paper. He said he found it in my hand while I was lying in the hospital wing. Now, I would _never_ tear a page out of a library book! Harry may mistreat his textbooks. He scribbles in margins and bends the corners of pages; it's just _ghastly_ what he does to them! So when he told me about this page with the word _pipes_ on it, I just agreed. We were just _so_ happy that the monster was dead and everyone was OK. I didn't want to stir up a new mess by saying it hadn't been me. He _can_ be so paranoid and suspicious, you know."

"And you think that _I_ put it there in your hand?" Draco asked. By now he had calmed down somewhat; the music and talking of familiar things was helping. "Now why would I do that? Hmmmm? We weren't even friends Second Year!"

"Well, I thought about it for a long time and I do admit it had me stumped." She admitted honestly. "But I finally figured it out Fourth Year at the Quidditch World Cup when you gave us that warning out in the woods."

"So you think you have it all figured out, do you?"

"Yes, I do." Hermoine nodded again but kept her eyes on the busy highway. "You didn't _have_ to warn us about the Death Eaters looking for Muggle-Borns, but you _did_. Harry and Ron, of course, took it for a threat or thought you were bragging. But I started to put it all together then and it stared to make sense. Of course, I understood you couldn't warn us openly because of the other Slytherins…"

Draco sighed. "And that's when you realized I really didn't mean anything by the Mudblood comments…"

"So, _did_ you slip that page into my hand while I was petrified?" She asked.

"All right! I admit I did that." Draco drawled as he shifted slightly on the car seat. "I tore the page out of a book in _Florets and Blots_ before school started. I figured that Potter wouldn't be able to correctly guess what the creature was and that he'd need some help. So while he was out to visit Hagrid, I snuck into the hospital ward and stuck the paper into your hand in hopes that he'd find it."

"And that's why you crumpled it up…" Hermoine said as the facts started to add up a bit more. "To make sure he'd find it. Merlin knows that I'd _never_ carry a piece of paper that way! I'd fold it neatly and put it into my pocket for safekeeping. And I can't possibly imagine why Harry thinks I did crumble that paper! He's so close-minded!"

"Tell me about it…" Draco rolled his gray eyes. He knew Harry all too well, even if they were friends now.

"But the bit that really had me stumped was _how_ you knew it was a basilisk!" Hermoine continued, her thoughts helped by the soft music in the background. She was enjoying this little private chat with Draco immensely. Without anyone else around they were free to talk of things they couldn't before, as they never knew when someone from the Wizard World would show up. But the Muggle car was safe and secure. "It made me rethink a lot of what I thought to be fact. And the only answer I came up with was that someone told you it was a basilisk and the most likely someone was your father. So, is that right?"

A huff of breath escaped his lips and it blew the silky blonde hair off his forehead. "Yes, Father told me it was a basilisk! Are you happy now that you figured it all out?"

Hermoine bit her bottom lip and her brow creased in concentration. "So your father wanted the basilisk dead?"

"Of course he did! Do you think we _want_ a bloody thing like that crawling around the school?" Draco said his voice slightly irritated. "He _is_ the School Governor, you know!"

"But Harry said he's the one that sent Tom Riddle's diary into the school…." She pointed out. Then realization dawned on her face. "The Chamber wouldn't open without the diary, would it?"

"No, it wouldn't. It's what you call a calculated risk, Granger." Draco drawled as he leaned back in his seat, his eyes closed. "We knew there was the chance that people could get killed, but what else could we do? The Chamber needed to be found and the basilisk destroyed. Since Potter had already proved himself First Year by taking on Professor Quirrel, we felt the time was right…"

Hermoine was silent for a few long moments. She didn't think it was right that they had risked the lives of everyone in the school just to find the Chamber, but maybe they were right. Then a new idea occurred to her. "It's why you made the snake during the wizard duel! You wanted to test Harry, see if he could speak Parseltongue!"

"Father taught me that spell…" Draco admitted. "We suspected he knew it but wasn't sure."

"And was Dumbledore in on all of this? I mean, if your parents were helping to destroy the basilisk than surely they belong to the Order, don't they?"

"Of course Dumbledore knew about it! That old man knows _everything_ that goes on in the school!"

"I noticed he loves to act stupid and pretends nonchalance." Hermoine agreed as she thought to the time turner incident at the end of Third Year. She and Harry just returned to the hospital after rescuing Sirius. When they told the headmaster they had been successful in their mission, he had acted stupid.

"Father even went to the school Second Year to remove Dumbledore. They thought with the headmaster gone Harry would feel freer to go after the monster. I think there's an old Muggle saying; 'While the cat's away the rat will play'? Besides, if gave them the opportunity to talk without seeming suspicious, Father and Dumbledore, I mean."

"Mice, not rat." Hermoine corrected. Truth be told, she was surprised he had even heard the saying! "But what about the Avada spell? Harry said your father tried to kill him with the Death Curse in the school hallway after he freed Dolby…"

"Oh, that." Draco waved a hand dismissively. "Father has to have Harry convinced he's a Dark Wizard, you know. And as for the curse, he knew that Dolby would stop him. You should have heard that drat elf, going on and on how wonderful and great Potter was! It was _very_ clear that Dolby wouldn't allow anything to happen to Harry."

"But why can't you just tell Harry the truth?" She asked, confused.

"Because Potter would get my whole family killed, that's why!" Draco rolled his eyes. "You know he can't do Occlumency! You Know Who just has to see him one time and then he'd know the truth that my Father is really on Dumbledore's side. He kills people that betray him."

They both were silent for some time as Hermoine finally directed the car off the highway into a residential area.

"Years ago when my parents went to court and said they were controlled by the Imperious Curse, almost no one believed them." Draco stated sadly. "And it was mainly just because they're in Slytherin."

Hermoine understood that very easily. Out of the four Houses, three got along very well but Slytherin was always the oddball that the others didn't trust. Even the Sorting Hat couldn't get anywhere with the student body to bring the houses together. It was sad really. And whether she liked it or not, Harry was one of the most stubborn people in that regard. He practically hated Slytherins with a passion. "He wouldn't believe all this, you know. He'd think it was all lies and some gimmick to trick him. I still think he's convinced your father will hand him over to You Know Who…"

"Well, we won't." Draco relaxed in the car seat, his foot still tapping to the music. He looked on with interest as the car pulled into a Muggle driveway and finally stopped. After it was explained, he managed to unlock his seat belt and open the car door. Climbing out, he was relieved to be back on solid ground and still in one piece. A large house rose up in front of him and he guessed it was where Hermoine had grown up. It was nowhere near the size of the Manor but he figured for a Muggle it was considered large. Neat hedges and colorful flowerbeds decorated the front yard along with a mowed lawn. All in all, it looked OK. He had survived the deathtrap Muggles affectionately called cars and now he was to face something even worst: a cookout. As he followed his girlfriend up the walk, he idly wondered who would be doing the cooking. It was clear they didn't have house elves. Did Muggles have servants or were they forced to cook everything themselves? His gray eyes shifted to the beautiful young woman beside him and for the first time he speculated if _she_ could cook. She opened the door and he followed her inside.

In times like these he could use a bit of that Gryffindor bravery!

Meanwhile back at the Manor, Harry was just waking up. He stretched sleepily and glanced around with blurry vision. Feeling for his glasses, he found them on the nightstand next to his double poster bed and put them on. For a brief moment he was confused as to where he was and then it all came flooding back to him. "Great, that's just great! That bloody git still wants me to marry Pansy…"

In this particular case, the git happened to be Lucius.

The pain in his bladder had awoken him, so he crawled out of bed and straightened his new pajamas. The house elf had insisted he wear them last night so he had, even if he didn't like it. Why should he trust a Death Eater? Although he now had a soft spot in his heart for Draco's mother, it was his father he didn't trust. The bathroom was right across the hall from his room and a few minutes later he emerged, feeling better.

"Ah, there you are!" Lucius smiled at him. Like usual, the tall blonde man was dressed in black clothing accented by silver snake jewelry. "I thought today we could meet the Parkinson's…"

Harry glared at him, but the look didn't have the desired affect. "It's not going to work."

"Of course it will!" Lucius promised as he gently laid a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"No, it won't." Harry noticed that even in the house the Death Eater was wearing his dragonskin gloves, no doubt convinced that the slightest touch from him will be deadly. "They'll know who I am."

"They'll know that you're my son." Lucius led him back to his new bedroom and pointed out the clothes on his bed. "Why don't you wash up and get dressed? I'll be waiting downstairs when you're ready."

Glaring angrily, Harry watched the man leave. What right did he have to force him to marry Pansy? He wasn't his father! In fact, the old Pureblood families didn't even know how to live. People should marry for love and not because of a stupid piece of paper created years and years ago! That was just extremely dumb. It was similar to the rule that a Prince had to marry a Princess. The people involved had no free choice in the matter.

Then Harry remembered his thoughts from last night and his vague plan on finding the missing baby. The child was no doubt near his own age if he used Draco's age for a guideline. But did he really have any hoe of actually finding the boy? And if he did, was it right to push his problem on some stranger? Doubt gnawed on Harry's mind and he frowned. He would have to think this through logically. If the boy lived in a nice home and had loving parents perhaps it was better not to tell him the truth. But if on the other hand he were unhappy…

His frown deepened as he realized there was no easy solution to this mess until he knew all the facts. And the trail would be so cold; it would be useless to even try…

But he had to try, didn't he?

Picking up the clothes, Harry returned to the bathroom to wash up. It was clear the house elf had already been through as the tub waited with hot sudsy water at just the right temperature. Removing his pajamas and stepping into the bath, he sunk into the relaxing water gratefully. He had to admit there _were_ a few nice things about living here. He had always suspected that Draco was spoiled and pretty much got whatever he wanted. It even looked as if his father might cave in and let him marry Hermoine…

As long as he agreed to marry Pansy, that is.

When his bath was over, he toweled himself off and wiped the steam from the mirror. He still wasn't used to his new reflection. With the blondish-white hair he looked a lot like Draco. It was kind of odd, really. How could a simple thing like hair color make you look so different? Yet it did. Would Voldemort even recognize him like this? Yes, of course he would. No matter how much he changed his physical appearance the evil man could always find him through the mental link they shared. Harry wished he could erase the link as easily as he had switched hair color, but he couldn't. Even Dumbledore couldn't do anything about that…

Dumbledore! Perhaps the headmaster could help him in his quest to find the missing boy. He knew for a fact the man had a list of all children born with magic and seemed to know exactly where they lived! Why hadn't he thought of that before? And if he were lucky, perhaps Dumbledore even knew how to take the spell off his hair…

"If I can escape out of this house, that is."

To be continued…

Sorry for the short chapter last time. This one flowed more easily, hence it's longer. The cookout will be next chapter!


	13. Dragonne

Dazed and Dumbfounded 13

Author's Note: Thanks for all the great reviews! Sienna: Rowling doesn't _want_ us to know that the Malfoys are good! We're supposed to think they're bad so the revelation in the last novel will shock us. I can't seem to convince my good friend that Draco is good, either. And not everything (or everyone) is seen in absolutes of Good or Evil. Most people are a mix of gray. Only Sith see the world in absolutes (yes, I was watching SW Episode 3 last night) … it makes me want to work on Emperor of Slytherin.

Harry stomped down the beautiful grand staircase within Malfoy Manor. Normally he might have paused to admire the fanciful carvings of enchanted beasts that formed the sides of the stairs but not today or now. If he were anywhere else and not being held against his will he might have noticed the sparkling stained glass window high above or that he was stomping through a cascade of rainbow light, but he didn't. Generally he enjoyed seeing the slightest magical thing in a wizard's home and found it all so magical. Even the simplest things like the Weasley family clock, the knitting that knitted itself or the self-scrubbing dishes. Then there were the fabulous moving stairs of Hogwarts and the talking paintings. Some part of him knew that the house he was in at the moment must be loaded with such objects, yet he had no desire to seek them out. When he neared the bottom of the staircase, he paused, one hand resting lightly on the smooth polished railing. His eyes focused on the man waiting at the bottom.

"Harry, you look splendid." Lucius commented as his gray eyes raked over the boy approvingly. "You are begging to look the part. Pansy will be pleased."

The Boy That Lived tightened his lips but remained silent for a moment. He felt funny wearing the odd clothes that had been waiting on his bed. He had gotten so used to the hand-me-downs from his cousin Dudley that the fine material he wore now felt odd against his skin. Second, he favored comfortable clothes like loose T-shirts. Many of the ones he owned either had holes in them or wore worn so many times that the material was so thin you could practically see through it. The only new clothing he had ever had was his school robes and Gryffindor scarf. Now he had a whole wardrobe of fine clothing, if he were to believe the Death Eater. Self conscious about his new 'look', Harry glanced down at himself.

The white shirt was definitely his favorite, as it had a swashbuckling feel with the wide puffy sleeves. A pale green trim lined the neck opening and small buttons made of some shiny material trailed down the front. His pants were black and a bit tighter than he cared for; yet when he had examined his outfit in the full-length mirror he had been forced to admit it did look good. The last piece lying on the bed had been a type of overcoat made of dark green crushed velvet. It was similar to a robe but hung open in the front. The overcoat was tucked in at the waist so it clung to his body. The white haired figure in the mirror had been very striking and Harry had just gawked at it for a long time. Surely that couldn't really be him, could it? Although he had resented the treatment from his Muggle relatives, he had never really cared much about fashion or clothes. There were more important things to be concerned about than what the current stylish mode of dress was or what name was on the neck tag of a shirt. Food and staying alive had been much more immediate concerns. Raising his green eyes back to the Pureblood, he spoke. "There are many things more important in this world than clothes…"

"But they _do_ suit you. Very nicely, I might add. Pansy will be pleased." Lucius smiled as he motioned with his arm for Harry to follow him. "Now come and eat breakfast while we discuss the upcoming day."

Bravely Harry followed the blonde man into the elaborate dining room. Lucius seated himself at the head of the table and Harry grudgingly joined him in the next seat over. At the opposite end of the table sat Narcissa in a beautiful scoop necked black dress embroidered with deep purple roses. A lovely breakfast was spread out and Harry helped himself, his stomach rumbling from hunger. It was either that or starve to death; and he just wasn't ready to die. Silver serving plates held fried eggs, crisp slices of bacon, fried fish, and pork sausage links, large circular links of black pudding, fried tomatoes, mushrooms, bubble and squeak, and even mashed potatoes. Crystal pitchers held orange juice and pumpkin juice while china pots held the coffee and tea. There was also bread and croissants as well as butter and jam. In all his life the only other place he had seen serve food like this was at Hogwarts.

"The first thing you should know, of course, is your new name." Lucius calmly stated as he carved the black pudding on his plate.

"My new name?" Harry paused in the process of smearing jam onto a croissant. He had piled all sorts of food onto his plate and he planned on eating it all. He knew it was greasy, as most traditional English breakfasts were, but after being starved for two weeks by the Dursleys he figured a little grease wouldn't hurt. He just hoped it wasn't poisoned.

"Well, I can't introduce you to the Parkinson's as Mr. Potter now, can I?" Lucius smiled. "So from today on you'll be Dragonne Malfoy, my missing son who has returned at last. I even have a birth certificate to _prove_ you're my son and a Pureblood at that."

Harry's jaw dropped open as he gawked at the older man in shock. "Where in Merlin do you _get_ these crazy names?"

"What, certainly you don't think we'd use a common _Muggle_ name for our child? We're pureblooded aristocrats!" Narcissa reminded from her end of the table. She stabbed a piece of fried tomato and daintily lifted it to her mouth.

"But _Dragonne_!" Harry protested, horrified. Even the other students at Hogwarts had normal names! Well, except for Draco, of course. Draco was Latin for dragon or so he was told. And was this new name even meant for a boy? It sounded feminine in a way… "Are you sure that's a male name?"

"I assure you it's very masculine." Lucius assured him as he poured more tea into his cup. "And it suits you quite well, with you being in Gryffindor and all. The Dragonne is an enchanted creature that very few know about. Its general appearance resembles that of a lion, except this lion is covered in thick scales and spouts dragon wings from its back. It is a very formidable foe and not one you trifle with lightly."

"Oh, that's just great!" Harry moaned. He couldn't believe it. And if he couldn't get out of this, he'd be stuck with that awful name his entire life – not to mention Pansy! Then a thought occurred to him and he shifted in his seat to better look at the Death Eater. "Was … was your other son really named Dragonne?"

"Of course." Lucius replied. "I assure you that the birth certificate is _not_ forged."

Soon breakfast was over and the small group moved to the parlor. Harry nervously perched on the edge of a red cushioned sofa. Soon the Parkinson's would be arriving to meet him, Pansy included. He eyed the nearby window wistfully and dreamed of escaping. There were lots of girls in Slytherin and he only had a very vague idea of which one she was. Worst, he had no idea of what he should say to her. His stomach boiled like a cauldron in Potions and his palms grew wet. The urge to run filled him but he fought it down. He couldn't panic now. He had faced the basilisk, hadn't he? Surely a girl would be much safer?

Then the time was up and the other family arrived. Harry forced himself to his feet as was only proper. Lucius had instructed him earlier that when a woman entered the room he was expected to rise until she was seated. Still, his knees trembled and his legs felt weak. His eyes immediately flickered to the teen girl his own age and he realized he had seen her before, in class. She had a round face with dark brown chocolate eyes. Her shoulder length dark hair curled inward slightly and was smooth. Although she was a bit thick boned, she wasn't as fat as Crabbe or Goyle. When he realized she was staring at him with open curiosity and some undefined glint in her eyes, he blushed. Suddenly he realized that Lucius was speaking.

"And this is my second son, Dragonne. He has just returned to us after a very long absence."

"So the aurors have finally found him?" Mr. Parkinson asked as he took a seat next to his wife on one of the plush sofas. "I was beginning to think he'd be lost forever."

To Harry's horror, Pansy decided to sit next to him. She was dressed in a deep purple three-piece outfit, the bottom of both the jacket and skirt covered in lace. Shifting on the sofa to better face him, she crossed her ankles neatly. Black buckled Mary Jane slippers were on her feet. A smile appeared on her face and she flashed her eyelashes demurely. "Hi."

"Umm … Hi." Harry replied apprehensively. He didn't exactly like the way she was looking at him. It reminded him too much of how Buckbeak had stared at the dead ferrets. And was that _lipstick_ she was wearing? He prayed to Merlin it wasn't, but it did look like the stuff. Surely no one's lips were that red naturally?

"So you're Draco's mysterious brother?" Pansy breathed as she inched slightly closer to him.

Harry's blushing face paled as he suddenly realized lot of Muggle women found mystery men very enticing or that's what he had heard once, anyway. Apparently the same held true for Purebloods. That and she was no doubt after the embarrassing amount of money the Malfoys had. Unfortunately, _he_ was now her ticket to that wealth. Wordlessly he nodded.

"So where have you been?" Pansy innocently asked as she inched still closer.

"Uhhhh….." Harry uttered.

"Yes?" Pansy prompted, her long lashes flashing.

"Errrrrr…." Harry's mind went blank. "What … what was the question?"

"Where have you been all these long years?" Pansy repeated as she gazed into his emerald green eyes.

"Ahhhh…." Harry could feel his heart pounding within his chest and he desperately wanted to escape the room, but dared not. He was almost sure he would prefer to face Voldemort than this girl! He'd even willingly take double Occlumency lessons with Snape if he could escape this … this … _torture_! "Sss … somewhere…"

"But where?" Pansy asked yet again as she leaned closer. Her chocolate eyes drifted downward to his hand that rested on the sofa cushion. Lifting her hand, she placed it on his shyly. "Isn't it sweet that we're engaged?"

"Aahhhhhhhh!" Harry shrieked as he leaped upward off the sofa and ran out of the room, all the while shrieking like a siren. Only his footsteps could be heard pounding up the grand staircase and then a door slammed loudly, the vibrations echoing throughout the house.

Pansy giggled. "He's shy. Isn't that cute?"

Draco, meanwhile, had entered the Muggle house to meet Hermoine's parents. He had dutifully shook hands with both of them and then was led out back to where the cookout would be.

"What's that thing?" Draco asked as he eyed the black barbeque that stood on three metal legs.

"This is my pride and joy, of course!" Mr. Granger replied happily as he lifted the grate off the mysterious black object and held it out to the teenage boy. "Hold this for a moment, will you?"

The Pureblood eyed it distastefully, a slight scowl on his face. The metal grating didn't exactly look shiny and new, but he reached for it anyway. He supposed he'd have to suffer through yet more torture this day, as if that high-bay hadn't been bad enough! Hooking a single finger through one of the slots, he held it off the ground. After all, there was no need to contaminate _all_ of his fingers! "So, what are you going to _do_ with that thing?"

"It's a barbecue." Mr. Granger explained. "I'm going to cook the meat on it, of course!"

Draco's gray eyes widened in shock and he could feel his stomach twist. "You're going to _cook_ on that _thing_? And we're supposed to _eat_ it afterwards?"

"Of course!" Mr. Granger laughed. Hermoine's father knew that Draco had grown up in a Pureblood wizard family so knew almost nothing of Muggles or how they did things. "Real men barbecue food, you know."

"They do?" Draco asked. "My Father wouldn't be caught dead next to one of those things!"

Mr. Granger laughed. Opening a big bag, he poured some black rocks into the barbecue and then set it alight. Taking the metal grill back from Draco, he put it back in place. "Now we have to wait for the fire to get hot enough. When it is, we can put the food on the grill. Didn't you ever eat barbecued food?"

"Not that I know of…" Draco frowned as some noxious stink and smoke started to rise from the horrid Muggle gizmo. He waved at the smoke in a vain effort to chase it away from him before it sunk into the fibers of his clothes. When that failed, he stepped further away and eyed the house hopefully. Hermoine had asked him to keep her father company while she helped her mother prepare a salad and some other food. He had been shocked that she had even known how. "Father prefers more traditional food, seven course meals with appetizers, that sort of thing…"

"Ahh, I understand. Real upper class, huh? Well, there's nothing as satisfying as barbecuing your own food on the grill." Hermoine's father stated as he moved to the nearby picnic table. A big pile of some odd green things sat there and he picked one up. "Help me with the corn?"

Walking over, Draco cautiously picked one up. Corn? It certainly didn't look like corn to him! "I never saw green corn before…"

Mr. Granger laughed heartily. "You're such a joker!"

"I am?" Draco's brow furrowed as he stared at the older man, confused.

"You have to peel the long leaves off it!"

Draco examined the object in his hand and noticed it did seem to be covered with leaves. And one end had some sort of fuzzy brown stuff on it. It reminded him slightly of Hermoine's bushy hair. He had never really thought of where corn came from or how it might look before it appeared on his plate. Obviously when it grew wherever it grew it was covered in these green leaves and one had to peel them back. It was servant's work, of course! But then the Muggles didn't have servants so they did things themselves. After watching how Mr. Granger started on a corn, Draco cautiously peeled a leaf back, only to see another and another. It was a conspiracy against him! Grumbling, he attacked the corn and tore big handfuls of green off it until he was finally down to the bright yellow cob. "Well, this thing really _is_ corn!"

"Of course it is!" Mr. Granger laughed. "And you need to pull the fuzz off it, too…"

Time passed and all the corns were ready. So was the fire in the grill and Mr. Granger hurried in and out of the house with the meat. "Now we'll put the meat on."

Draco watched as raw hunks of meat were slapped down on the grill. It looked disgusting, all raw and slimy… ewwww! His pointed face twisted up as he eyed the raw steaks, ribs and burgers. "We're not going to eat _that_, are we?"

"Didn't you ever see raw meat before?"

"Heck no!" The pureblood exclaimed loudly.

"Well, believe it or not, but all cooked meat starts out looking like this…"

"I'll never eat meat again!" Draco vowed as he headed towards the backdoor. In his opinion, Granger's old man was slightly off his rocker. How else would you explain his weird need to plop raw bloody meat on that metal thing and cover it in big clouds of smoke? And the _smell_! Merlin, some of Snape's potions smelled better! Opening the door, Draco entered the kitchen. Hopefully things would be better in here!

Hermoine stood near the table and was bust chopping raw vegetables while her mother was preparing a potato salad. Hermoine's face brightened as she saw him come in. "How's it going?"

"You don't want to know…" he replied as he thought of the disgusting sight he had just witnessed. "I think he massacred some helpless animal…"

"Of course not, silly!" Hermoine reassured him with a quick peck on the cheek. "Muggles buy all their meat from the supermarket."

"Well, it doesn't look very appetizing if you ask me…"

"Would you want a soda?" Hermoine asked as she put her knife down and went to the fridge. Opening the door, she pulled out two cans of icy cold soda and handed him one. "It's not pumpkin juice or butter beer but it's quite good. I'm sure you'll like it."

Draco watched carefully as she showed him how to open the can and then he took a cautious sip. Almost instantly the bubbles hit him in the nose and he exclaimed loudly in surprise. Yanking the can away from his face, he rubbed at his nose with a free hand. "Don't Muggles have _anything_ that's normal?"

Hermoine giggled and shook her head, her ponytail flying about.

"That figures!" He exclaimed, leaning back against the counter as he watched the two women make salads. He had never seen anyone prepare food before and he watched with interest at first, but after a while it seemed boring. Then a new thought occurred to him. "Hermoine, can you actually _cook_?"

"Of course I can!"

"I admit I don't even know where our kitchen _is_…" Draco replied as he took another swallow of the lemon-lime soda. "I suppose we must have one somewhere…I mean, the house elves do bring us food…"

Hermoine laughed again. It didn't surprise her at all. "I'll teach you how to bake cookies if you want…"

Draco's gray eyes widened as he stared at her. "Are you kidding, Hermoine?"

"No, of course not!" She replied matter-of-factly. "Baking isn't that difficult. If you can follow a potion recipe I'm sure you can bake cookies or a cake."

"Me? Bake a _cake_?" His bottom jaw dropped a few inches. Then his eyes shifted around the Granger's small but tidy kitchen. "You mean like _now_?"

"No, tomorrow; at your house!" Hermoine explained happily as she thought of spending another day with him. "It'll be fun!"

"I don't know…" Draco thought of his reputation and how it would be ruined if this cake baking ever got out and people learned of it. Cool guys did _not_ don aprons and bake cakes, especially not Purebloods! "Mother sends me lots of bakery at school by owl."

"And does she bake it herself?"

"Mother? In a kitchen? You must be joking!" Draco rolled his eyes. "It would ruin her manicures, I'm sure…"

Finally the salads were finished and were put away for later. Hermoine led him out of the kitchen into the living room. Going over to the stereo, she put a cd in it and turned on the music. Adjusting the volume, Hermoine walked up to Draco and gazed up at him shyly. Then reaching up, she folded her hands around the back of his neck and rested her head on his chest lightly. Pulling on him lightly, she started to dance and sway to the music. He soon got the idea and gladly wrapped his arms around her slender waist.

Draco sighed happily. He had to admit a _few_ Muggle things were really good, like this music. He closed his eyes and enjoyed being close to his lovely Mudblood. The scent from her hair was sweet in his nose and her body warm against his. It was pure magic and he didn't want it to end. After dancing for an undetermined amount of time, Draco glanced down at her. "Hermoine, I was wondering…"

Pulling slightly away from him, she gazed up into his beautiful silvery eyes. "Yes, Draco?"

"Can you play this Muggle music _anywhere_?"

"Well, I have a portable stereo up in my bedroom that runs on batteries or we could always use a spell so it will run on magic."

Draco grinned. "Did I ever tell you we have a ballroom at the Manor?"

"No…" Hermoine's brown eyes widened when she realized what he was suggesting. "You're actually thinking of plating Muggle music in the _Manor_? Won't your Father have a fit?"

"Nah!" Draco laughed. "He needs to learn and relax a bit, I think. Besides, this is supposed to be our summer vacation, right? We can't spend all of our time doing _homework_!"

"So you want to have a Muggle style _party_?" Hermoine asked as her mind started to click with the possibilities.

Draco shrugged. He had no idea what a Muggle style party _was_, but it might be fun. "You know I told you how boring the Manor is."

Then Hermoine's mother appeared and told them it was time to eat. So they all went outside to the picnic table. Draco sat down next to Hermoine and her parents were across from them. The food was all on the table and he eyed the meat suspiciously.

"Go on, try it!" Hermoine urged as she placed a slab of barbecued ribs on her plate, the meat thick with tangy red sauce. "These taste really good!"

Draco reached for one and nibbled on the very edge. To his utter surprise, Hermoine was right. It _did_ taste good! Hungrily he sunk his teeth into the meat and chewed happily. The red sauce got all over his hands and he shamelessly licked it off; something he had never done before in his life. It soon became clear that this was considered finger food and that _everyone_ was licking at the red sauce. He tried a hamburger next and to his delight it was just as delicious as the ribs had been. And even the roasted corn on the cob, slathered with butter, was mouth-watering! And so it was with new respect that Draco turned to look at Hermoine's father. "You really _are_ a good cook! Even the house elves don't know how to cook this stuff!"

Mr. Granger smiled happily at his future son-in-law. He just happened to have an extra barbecue that he could give the boy.

Back at the Manor, Lucius had said goodbye to his guests and now stood outside Harry's bedroom door. He didn't understand why the boy had acted that way, but he would soon find out. Flinging the door open, he marched right in and spotted Potter lying on the bed. "Care to explain what happened down there? You should have talked to the girl!"

Harry sat up and looked sheepishly at Mr. Malfoy. "I didn't know what to say!"

"And why not?" Lucius demanded to know.

"Because!"

"Because why?"

"Because she's a _girl_!" Harry cried, aghast at his own words.

"But you talk to Granger all the time!" Lucius pointed out.

"But she's not a girl! She's one of the guys!" Harry exclaimed as he waved his arms around in the air. "Couldn't I just kill another basilisk instead?"

"Ooohhhhh!" Lucius moaned as he hung onto his forehead with a black-gloved hand. If he didn't have a banging headache before, he certainly had one now! Of all the dumb ridiculous things! Potter was scared of _girls_! How in the world was he going to fix that?

"A giant spider?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Why me?" Lucius asked the moving painting of one of his ancestors that happened to hang on the bedroom wall. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

"How about Voldemort? I'll kill him for you…" Harry offered, his hope rapidly dying.

Without another word, Lucius stumbled out of the bedroom. He needed a headache potion pronto.

To be continued…

Hope that was funny! I did a bit of research on English breakfast for this chapter. _Bubble and Squeak_ is cabbage and potatoes fried together. A _Black Pudding_ is a large sausage made from pig's blood, suet, breadcrumbs and oatmeal; is usually served with mashed potatoes. The Black Pudding is sometimes called _Blood Pudding_. Oh, and on the last chapter I have no idea if they have highways in England as I live in the US. I'm not sure of the names of Hermoine and Pansy's parents but I'm sure it doesn't matter.


	14. cookies

Dazed and Dumbfounded 14

Lucius stumbled out of the bathroom, a hand to his still aching forehead. He had just discovered a truly horrible hitch in his plans: Potter was scared of girls and got all tongue-tied around them. He didn't understand how the boy could possible slay all manner of creatures with ease and yet couldn't talk to a girl! Worst, he had almost been pleading to slay Voldemort so he could get out of seeing Pansy again. "Oh, how am I going to fix that?"

"Father!" Draco called cheerfully as he hurried up to the older man. "Are you all right, Father? You don't look very well."

"Harry obviously doesn't relate to girls very well…" Lucius admitted as he pulled on the cork stopper to a pre-made headache potion. "And he seems to think Granger is a boy…"

Draco smirked. "Well, I _told_ you he'd never get a date without our help! What do you expect from a hopeless case like him? Still, I'm confident you'll whip him into shape. He needs a good, strong father-figure in his life, someone besides that awful Muggle uncle of his."

Lucius drank his headache potion and sighed as the painful banging started to subside. "Tell me, Draco, does he speak to _any_ girls at all?"

"Just Granger and the Weaslette…" Draco drawled. Then his blue eyes narrowed as he studied the tall figure of his father. "Father, why don't you ever barbecue for us?"

The elder Malfoy blinked in surprise. "What?"

"I said why don't you ever _barbecue_ for us?" Draco repeated, a sneer on his pointed face. He licked his lips as he remembered how delicious the cooked meat had tasted with the tangy red sauce. Hmm, it was pure Heaven. "I was informed that only _real_ men barbecue and since you never do…"

"Draco, are you suggesting I'm not a man because I don't do this barbecue thing, whatever that is?" Lucius asked, his gray eyes darkening as he stared at his son. He didn't even know what a barbecue _was_! He knew Draco had spent the day by the Muggle's house and clearly the girl's parents had filled his head with Muggle nonsense.

"Well," Draco shrugged his black clad shoulders innocently; his blondish-white bangs hanging in his eyes. "If you think the Muggles can do something you can't…"

Offended by the very idea, Lucius rose to his full height and flipped his long hair smoothly behind him. "Draco, you very well know we're _superior_ to Muggles! Need I remind you?"

"So you can't do it then, can you?" Draco asked, smirking. He was neatly maneuvering his father into doing what _he_ wanted him to do, just as he always did. When he wanted something, Lucius normally caved in and bought it, but not always. Still, Draco knew his old man had his pride and he was counting on that to win. "You just don't want to admit there's something a Muggle can do that you can't!"

"I can do _anything_ a Muggle can do and I'll do it better!" Lucius loudly proclaimed, his pride getting the better of him.

Draco smirked. "Good. Then you'll barbecue for us tomorrow? The grill is out in the backyard."

Lucius watched his son saunter off to his bedroom, a feeling of panic in his stomach. What had he just agreed to? He didn't even know what this _barbecue_ was! Turning on his heel, he hurried back to Potter's bedroom and flung the door open. "Harry!"

The Boy That Lived opened his green eyes and stared at the hated Death Eater that had put him through so much torture. He had been lying in bed thinking up how he'd get to see Dumbledore. It was either that or kill Pansy… "Now what do you want?"

"You were raised by Muggles. Tell me, what is a barbecue?"

"Its when you cook food outside on a grill…" Harry explained, his voice bored. He had seen his Uncle barbecue lots of times and often he'd been the one to end up doing the actual cooking, Vernon preferring to socialize with his guests. "Why?"

"Cook?" Lucius' face paled in utter horror. "I'd just agreed to _cook_?"

"It's not that hard…" Harry commented as he enjoyed seeing the pained look on the Pureblood's face. "You just slap some meat on it and it cooks…."

A dark eyebrow rose. "Really?"

"More or less…" Harry replied, hiding a smile.

"Well, it sounds simple then." Lucius sighed with relief; sure he'd be able to do a grand job of it tomorrow. What was he worrying about anyway? _Muggles_ did it, for Merlin's sake! Still, he didn't actually care for the idea of cooking. It was _servant_ stuff, far beneath his station. "Tell me, Harry, do Muggle men really do this barbecue thing?"

"My Uncle does." Harry honestly admitted. "Are you _sure_ I can't kill Voldemort for you?"

"Not tonight, Harry." Lucius backed out of the room and closed the door. He best get to bed, as it looked that tomorrow would be a long, trying day.

The next morning dawned bright and early, Hermoine appearing in the fireplace amid a cloud of green flames. She hurried out, eager to find Draco so they could start baking cookies. Pausing in the beautiful living room, she tilted her head sideways and listened. The house was silent and she guessed that mostly everyone was still asleep. Setting her black portable boombox down on a nearby coffee table, Hermoine went in search of the kitchen. Although Draco had claimed he'd never seen it before, Hermoine located it easily. The warm room was packed with house elves wearing tea towels and they immediately tried to shove all sorts of food at her. "No! I don't want any food! I want to _bake cookies_!"

This resulted with over a dozen house elves offering her plates of cookies.

"No! I want to bake them myself!" Hermoine insisted firmly. Her resolve started to soften as dozens of house elves grew sad, their ears drooping. Sighing loudly, she held out her hands. "Oh, all right! Give me those cookies!"

Sack of cookies in hand, Hermoine left the kitchen. Dragging the too-heavy sack along the highly polished floor and over Persian carpets, she smiled politely as she meet a still yawning Lucius. "Good morning, Mr. Malfoy! Tell Draco I'll be right back as soon as I ditch these cookies by Hagrid. Then we can bake in the kitchen!"

Eyes half open, he watched her drag the heavy sack into the fireplace and disappear in green flames. Yawning again, he rubbed at his tired eyes. Had she just said _baking_? The Pureblood shook his head. He must have misheard her, as he was still half asleep. Any sensible woman wouldn't be caught in the kitchen. It would ruin their make-up and manicures…

Lucius frowned. Hermoine, the love of his son's life, was _not_ a sensible Pureblood girl. No, she was a Muggle-born. Perhaps she actually _was_ planning on baking in the kitchen. What a horrible thought. A shiver of dread passed through him and he realized he best go hide somewhere before she tried to drag him into that as well. Draco had already tricked him into that barbecue nonsense…

But it was too late. Hermoine reappeared amid green flames and hurried out of the fireplace, two aprons in her hand. Dashing up the grand staircase, she soon found Draco's bedroom and flung the door open. Going in, she saw he was still asleep, one arm dangling off the bed. Marching up to him, she gripped him by a shoulder and started shaking him. "Draco, wake up!"

"What?" He mumbled sleepily as one blue eye peeled open. Deciding it was too early to get up, he rolled over onto his side, gripping the light blanket with both hands.

Hermoine tightened her lips into a firm line, brown eyes glaring. "We're going to bake cookies, remember?"

"Have the house elves do it…" He mumbled sleepily as he closed the eye that had been open.

"No, _we're_ going to do it!" Hermoine insisted as she stood there watching him trying to go back to sleep. Glancing at her Muggle style watch, she saw it was past nine AM. "It's a beautiful day outside, Draco. Surely you're not going to spend it sleeping, are you?"

Hoisting himself up onto an elbow, he opened both eyes and stared at her. He had to admit she was beautiful. A smile crept across his lips as he gazed upon her. "No, of course not. I need to shower and dress though."

A brilliant smile spread across Hermoine's face and she excitedly hopped on her toes. "We'll have fun! You'll see!"

Draco scowled as he threw the blanket off and sat up in bed. He was wearing silk pajamas in the exact shade of Slytherin Green, so he wasn't worried about Hermoine seeing anything she shouldn't. Besides, she was obviously used to bossing Potter and Weasley around. And it pleased him to no ends that she had chosen _him_ over the other two boys. Realizing this was the perfect opportunity to tease her, his mood grew happier. Smirking, he rose to his bare feet and moved closer to her. "So, Hermoine, will I get to stand close to you while we do this baking thing?"

"I suppose…" Hermoine replied, taking his question seriously.

"Because you realize," Draco continued as he inched yet closer. "That I don't have the foggiest idea how you bake anything."

"Well, you…" Hermoine paused, her voice dying as she suddenly realized he was standing right before her, his mesmerizing blue eyes gazing into hers. Before she could move or think a coherent thought, he bent forward and kissed her passionately. His lips locked on hers and she closed her eyes to enjoy the sensation. The kiss deepened and just before she thought she'd pass out from lack of air, he pulled back.

"You know, I really could get used to waking up this way…" Draco grinned.

"I … I'll be downstairs." Hermoine said as she hurried out of his bedroom. Once downstairs, she paused to collect herself. Kissing Draco always left her feeling weak-kneed and out of sorts. Spotting her portable stereo where she left it, she picked it up and carried it into the kitchen. She knew the Malfoy's kitchen would be well stocked and would most likely have everything for baking cookies. Setting the boombox down on a table, she thought they could listen to some music while they baked. It would make the experience more enjoyable for Draco, more fun and less of a chore. She was telling the house elves what ingredients she would need when she heard Draco calling her. He had evidently been telling her the truth when he had stated he'd never seen the kitchen. Poking her head out of the room, she called him over.

"So this is the kitchen…" Draco drawled as his blue eyes darted around the large room filled with numerous house elves. Not seeing anything worthy of his attention, he shrugged and focused his eyes on Hermoine. "So, tell me again why we're doing this?"

"Because it's fun!" Hermoine replied. "And you get to eat it afterwards."

"It's just as fun eating what the house elves have cooked." He stated as he peered at a large sack marked FLOUR that waited on the table. "Although I do admit I managed to convince Father do barbecue later today…"

Hermoine's eyes widened at the startling news. "You did?"

"Yes, I did." Draco smiled in triumph. "I just repeated to him what your dad told me: that only real men barbecue. Guess he felt that his manhood was threatened, so now he's going to prove that he's a man."

"Well," Hermoine's face grew serious. "I just hope he doesn't burn it."

Draco turned his attention to the table full of ingredients. "So, is this like making potions?"

"A bit, yes." Hermoine reassured him as she picked up the two aprons off a nearby chair. Putting one on, she handed the other to him.

Draco eyed the feminine piece of fabric with clear distaste, his upper lip curled. He glared at the offered piece of clothing with hatred in his eyes. "I'm not going to wear _that_! It's worst than Weasley's dress robes from Fourth Year!"

The apron had a big that covered one's chest with a loop of fabric that hooked over the neck. Red ruffles lined the edges and cheery red apples were appliquéd on the two front pockets. The rest of the apron was eggshell white and it looked very old-fashioned as if it had come straight from a 1950's kitchen. Bright red sashes allowed it to be secured around one's waist. Raising it up slightly higher, Hermoine peered at it, slightly puzzled. "What's wrong with it?"

"Hermoine, it's an _apron_." Draco stated, rolling his blue eyes.

Glancing down at the almost-matching apron she wore, Hermoine lifted her chocolate brown eyes to return his gaze. "There's _nothing_ wrong with wearing an apron! Lots of men wear aprons while in the kitchen! You don't want to get your nice clothes all dirty, do you?"

"I suppose not." He sighed and accepted the girly thing, a grimace pasted to his face. If anyone saw him _wearing_ this horrid thing, why, he'd be the laughing stock! Feeling very weird, he put the loop over his head and tied the straps around his waist. Tilting his chin downward, he frowned in disgust. The red apples looked too cheerful for a Slytherin. "Why does it have to be so cheerful for? Don't you have a stylish black apron?"

Hermoine laughed and it was her turn to roll eyes. "Draco! If you wore a _black_ apron, we'd never see it!"

"That's the idea, isn't it?"

Still laughing, Hermoine turned on some music. Soon the kitchen was filled with a peppy beat and she started to teach him how to make basic cookie dough. Soon Draco forgot his embarrassment of wearing the frilly thing and he concentrated on the work before him. It was similar to brewing potions, except there was no cauldron and the stuff was a lot thicker. Between the two of them, they prepared two batches at a time, Draco copying her exact movements with his own batch of ingredients. Then the cookies were shaped and placed on flat trays. The house elves happily stuck them into the oven and removed the hot trays to cooling racks when the time was up. Before they knew it, the delicious smell of cookies spread throughout the entire Manor.

Lucius had been hiding out in his office, pretending to be working on a scroll while actually dreading the barbecue thing. A sweet scent drifted through the open doorway and he raised his nose, sniffing the air. He had no idea what the smell could be or where I was coming from, but he rose from his chair and headed out the door. He was soon joined by Harry who was coming down the staircase and by Narcissa, who emerged from the Lady's Parlor.

"What's that smell?" Narcissa asked, a puzzled look on her pale face.

"Someone's baking." Harry stated. "Cookies by the smell…"

"But the house elves cook." Narcissa replied, still perplexed. "We don't smell anything when they do."

"Maybe they cook using magic." Harry shrugged. He really didn't know all that much about house elves except for Dobby and that one had been annoying. "This is Muggle baking, I guess."

A pale hand covered in sparkling rings was raised to Narcissa's open mouth. "You mean a _person_ is in the kitchen?"

Harry stared at her oddly. "You act like you've never been in the kitchen."

"Me? In the _kitchen_? Don't be ridiculous!" Narcissa stuck her nose up in the air. "I don't _have_ to go in the kitchen because that's what house elves are for!"

"Do you even know _where_ the kitchen is?" Harry asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed, feeling insulted. "And as my son, I forbid you to go in that horrid place, either!"

Harry smiled at her, feeling amused. "I hate to break this to you, Mom, but I've been cooking since before I started First Year…"

"Oh, I feel faint!" Narcissa raised a hand to her forehead and swayed lightly on her feet, her eyes closed. Opening one eye slightly, she checked whether Lucius was about to catch her. But to her dismay, he had moved off elsewhere with his nose jammed up in the air to follow the scent. A scowl formed on her face as she watched him disappear trough an unused doorway that led … somewhere. "Men! Always thinking with their stomachs!"

Harry snickered, both hands over his mouth. He now knew whom Draco had got his acting abilities from. At school Draco _loved_ to moan, groan and pretend he was dying from injury while he was just fine. He even walked around for a month with his perfectly fine arm in a sling just to get attention. Narcissa was doing the same sort of thing, pretending she was ready to faint when she wasn't.

"What are you laughing at?" Narcissa asked as she eyed her new son.

"Nothing." Harry replied and dashed after Lucius through the doorway.

Lucius, meanwhile, was gawking open-mouthed at his Pureblood son wearing some apple sporting, ruffled _thing_. And this big room, why, he'd never even _seen_ it before!

Hermoine smiled happily and offered him a plate of fresh baked cookies. "Have some cookies!"

"Draco, what is that _thing_ you're wearing?" Lucius asked, unable to peel his gray eyes from the cheerful monstrosity.

"Oh, it's just an apron, Father." Draco drawled calmly as if it was nothing. "But _you_ can wear it when you barbecue later today! We made desert, but you'll have to make the meal."

To be continued…


	15. Steaks and Pegasi

Dazed and Dumbfounded 15

"Oh, it's just an apron, Father." Draco drawled calmly as if it was nothing. "But _you_ can wear it when you barbecue later today! We made desert, but you'll have to make the meal."

Lucius frowned. He didn't want to do this dreadful barbecuing thing. It sounded too much like common manual labor. But if he backed out now, his son would never forgive him. So he supposed he had to suffer through the utter nonsense. "Must I, Draco? Wouldn't you rather eat out at a nice restaurant?"

"No, Father. You promised you'd do it. Remember?" Draco stared at his father the way he had been taught, his gaze steely and unafraid. Malfoys didn't back down for anyone. And although sometimes he was scared of his father, this wasn't one of them.

"Oh, very well!" Lucius sighed, knowing his son would keep pestering him until he did it. How did he ever end up with such a grouch for a son? First he wanted this and then that, it was enough to drive him mad! The elder wizard's gray eyes landed on the cheerful teenage girl that was in his … kitchen? This whole mess, of course, was her fault! She had contaminated his son's way of thinking and if he wasn't careful, soon Draco would be saying he wanted his own awful metal box to drive around in! The idea was just too horrible to contemplate! What would his fellow Death Eaters say? What would the neighbors say? It would be a real nightmare! He needed to put his foot down firmly yet it wasn't that easy. "Where is this barbecue thing?"

"It's outside." Draco explained as he took off the cheerful apple apron and handed it to his father.

Lucius eyed the ruffled piece of clothing with clear distaste. It was without doubt one of the most hideous things he had ever seen. One dark brow rose and he sneered. "I'm not going to wear that thing, Draco. I wouldn't push your luck too far if I were you."

"Suit yourself, Father." Draco shrugged and tossed the apron onto a nearby chair. Reaching out and gripping Hermoine's hand, he led them outside. Within moments he showed his father where the new barbecue sat. He had picked a nice place for it in the courtyard. The Malfoy's backyard was huge, as was befitting a Manor, and was broken down into different sections. They had a courtyard for outside dining, stables for their horses and several gardens. The land they owned was spread out over acres and even included some sections of wild forest. The horses were Pegasi, of course. One certainly wouldn't expect a Pureblood wizarding family to own ordinary thoroughbreds, after all. The courtyard was lined with expensive marble blocks and a cheerful fountain gurgled nearby, the water pouring out of a sea-dragon's mouth. Draco pointed to the black three-legged barbecue. "Well, there it is."

Lucius approached it cautiously and peered at it. The weird Muggle contraption was black, which pleased him slightly. Poking it with his snake-headed walking stick, he was rewarded with the loud clunk of metal hitting metal. Did Muggles really cook with these things? If so, how? Turning, he stared at his son. "And exactly what am I supposed to do with this thing?"

"I told you, Father, you cook with it." Draco explained in his customary drawl. "That lid there comes off…"

Still eyeing it with distaste, Lucius reached out and picked up the rounded lid. Underneath he saw a metal grilling. "And I suppose the meat goes on this metal thing?"

Draco nodded.

"Well, I can do that." Lucius decided, smiling. This barbecuing nonsense was simple after all. He didn't see what he had worried about after all. Turning, he called for his house elf. "Zunno!"

Zunno appeared in a flash of white light and bowed low. "Yes, Master?"

"Go and bring me some raw steaks!"

"Yes, Master!" Zunno popped off and moments latter appeared with a huge platter of raw steaks. The elf held them out in front of Lucius, his knees bending under the weight.

Looking about for something to grab them with, Lucius eyed the funny-looking fork next to the barbecue. Grabbing this, he stabbed a steak and placed it on the grill. An evil grin spread across his face as he happily thought he was a master cook already – on his first try!

Harry, who had followed the others outside, had an alarmed look on his face. "Uhh … Mr. Malfoy?"

"You're supposed to call me father now, remember?" Lucius reminded him as he paused in the act of placing steaks on the cold grill. He didn't know what he was going to do with his second son, either. There were problems with both of them! "And while this is cooking, we're going to discuss your little problem."

"Ah…" Harry paused, feeling to weird to call him 'father'. "You're supposed to put a fire in the grill first."

Lucius blinked and turned his attention to the cold grill. "Oh, am I? Well, how fortunate I am to have you here then."

Placing the steak he had been holding down on the grill, he pulled his wand out of his walking stick. Pointing at the grill, he spoke the spell for fire. Instantly a blazing fire appeared within the metal belly of the grill. "See? That's fixed now, isn't it? Now why don't we discuss your little problem."

Sighing, Harry wished he could escape. He needed to go see Dumbledore. "Look, I'll help you cook the meat if you'll let me go see Dumbledore."

"Don't you like my hospitality?" Lucius asked innocently as he placed the remaining steaks on the grill. Waving Zunno away, he sneered. "I assure you I'm perfectly capable of cooking these myself."

"I bet…" Harry eyed him darkly, imagining them burned black.

A new voice broke into their conversation.

"Lucius, what in Merlin's name are you doing?" The dark glowing form of Severus Snape stood there, his dark eyes focused on Potter. A pale hand soon rose and pointed a finger at the now white-haired Harry. "And what is _he_ doing here?"

"This," Lucius said as he moved to stand behind Harry and place a fatherly hand on his shoulder. "Is my long lost son, Dragonne Malfoy."

"That's Potter!" Snape scowled as he stepped closer to the unlikely pair. "And if you think that bad disguise is going to fool anyone, I'll let you know I can see his scar from here. What kind of scheme are you doing now, Lucius? And why would you want that for a son is beyond me! If you knew half the things I do…"

"Hey!" Harry cried, insulted. "I'm right here!"

"Quiet!" Snape said. "I'm not speaking to you."

"Why should I be quiet when you're insulting me?" Harry asked, annoyed. Out of all his teachers at Hogwarts, the one he hated the most was Professor Snape. "And keep your big nose out of other people's business!"

Snape's dark eyes widened and he pointed a finger at Potter. "Detention!"

"It's summer! You can't give me detention!" Harry replied as he glared at Snape with hatred in his green eyes. "Or are you really that dumb?"

"Why you…!" Snape bellowed truly mad now. "Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

Harry started laughing. "The hourglass isn't running!"

"This is your fault!" Snape said to Lucius. "If he's your son now, then do something about him!"

Lucius smiled sweetly at his old friend and poked one of the steaks. The one in the middle of the grill looked like it was done already, as it was a nice solid black. Picking up a plate, Lucius stabbed it with the fork and handed it to Severus. "Have a steak…"

000

Draco watched the heating exchange and rolled his eyes. By the sound of it, it'll continue all day with the two of them arguing up and back. Turning, he pulled on Hermoine's hand. "Let's go look at the stables."

"But…" Hermoine glanced behind at her Potions teacher with the black steak on his plate. She knew it couldn't possibly be done already! Lucius had just put them on… "That steak…"

"Forget it!" Draco said as he pulled her down the path towards the stable. A smile appeared on his pointed face as he had something much better to show her. He knew most girls loved horses and hopefully Hermoine would, too. And these, these were very special indeed. The big building loomed ahead and finally they were there. Opening the door, he led her inside. "Trust me, once you see these you'll forget all about those dumb old steaks…"

Hermoine waited a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darker interior of the barn. She could smell hay and something else, something sweet. A soft nicker reached her ears and she slowly followed the blonde Slytherin. Horse stalls were up ahead, a whole row of them. And poking its head out over the low door was an all white horse! Excitement spread through her body as she realized what the Malfoys keep in this big building. "You have horses!"

"Not just any kind of horse, Hermoine." Draco corrected, a smile on his face. Talking softly, he opened the door and led the white mare out. As the Pegasus walked, she raised her hooves high off the ground with each step. The slow clip-clop echoed throughout the barn as she was led outside. Her white wings were folded down along her sides and as soon she was clear of the confining building she stretched them out wide, the white feathers glowing in the sunlight.

Mouth dropping open, Hermoine just stood there gawking. "That's … that's …"

"A Pegasus, I know." Draco replied matter-of-factly. "While Father is cooking, I thought we could go for a ride."

Hermoine eyed the Pegasus with a look of trepidation, her brown eyes widening in fear. Nervously she backed up a few paces and shook her head. "I … I'd rather not."

"Oh, come on, don't tell me you're still nervous about flying!" Draco held out his hand towards her. "I promise it'll be fun! We can ride on the same one if you want…"

The Pegasus was just so beautiful! Just seeing it standing there all glowing snowy white was enough to make her glow with joy and happiness. It was without doubt one of the most enchanted creatures she had ever seen. Its black eyes were so wise and full of love. It was like its shiny eye could look right into her soul and know who she was. And it had the most incredible long lashes she'd ever seen. Its nose was the curved dish shape that was characteristic of Arabians, its ears long and tall. The legs were finely made and denoted speed, its flanks powerful. The white main and tail sparkled like thousands of priceless diamonds were intertwined in the long, fine hairs. A soft breeze blew and the tail fanned outward, the long hairs brushing the green grass. Just seeing it there was enough to send her heart soaring high overhead; she didn't need to be seated on it.

"Come flying with me, Hermoine…"

To be continued…


End file.
